Tender to the Grand Conveyor
spengleton@surrealtimes.net

Dernberger joined The Surreal Times as a starry-eyed journalist with a deep appreciation for the human experience.

In early 2019, he was appointed by Theodore Munnely as Tender to The Grand Conveyor. It became his job to coordinate the rotation of the Earth such that it would bring nutrients, amusement, and inspiration to Theodore's Castle-About-Which-The-World-Rotates, where Theodore was trapped. During that time, Dernberger was quite consumed and with little time for writing.

In a strange turn of events, his life partner surreal warped him into the Castle-About-Which-The-World-Rotates in order to allow Theodore to escape. He was trapped there for many months, but has since been extracted from his entrapping castle by a hypercube and an angel.

Dernberger now lives and works with Theodore Munnely as they pursue greater Novelty.


Collected Works

August 23, 2021 Picnic In The Sahara
August 23, 2021 Mental Magnet Erases Hard Drives
August 23, 2021 Wrestling With Waves And Fish
July 18, 2021 Unusual Teaching Methods At Chiptooth Kindergarten
July 18, 2021 Introspecting On The Side Effects Of Divorce
May 29, 2021 Are You A Markov Chain? Find Out Now And Get Help?
May 29, 2021 Gravity Preppers Train For Gravitationally Unstable Future
May 29, 2021 Correction: Mathematicians On Mars
May 29, 2021 Fire In The Fractal Factory
May 29, 2021 Group Attempts To Hypnotize The Gods
April 9, 2021 Gravity Preppers Wear Bricks On Their Feet
April 9, 2021 Mathematicians On Mars
April 9, 2021 Opinion: Free The Oil, Help It To Freedom
March 12, 2021 Women Re-defines Love Function
March 12, 2021 Couple Brings Their Relationship To The Next Level
February 9, 2021 Individual Protests Federeral Reserve
February 9, 2021 Individuals Celebrate Organization
February 8, 2021 Lobster Whisperer Teaches Sonar Spoofing, Saves Crustations
February 8, 2021 Blow To Head Changes Ball Player’s Life Forever
February 8, 2021 Couple Has A Real Marriage
December 13, 2020 Juggle Fighting Championship Spurs Controversy
December 13, 2020 A Look Into The "Sane Asylum" Downtown
December 13, 2020 The Art Of Fishing With Birds, A Beautiful Bond
October 28, 2020 New Hairstyle Taking over Paquaint Areas
October 28, 2020 Bunny Rabbit Rave Hero
September 23, 2020 In Troubled Times, Skatebirder Spreads Calm
September 23, 2020 Existential Dread Down the Drain
September 23, 2020 Scooter Coolman Finds A Lover
August 15, 2020 Profile: The Skatebirder
February 29, 2020 My First Line Training Experience
January 25, 2020 Demon that Does Good Visits Easthampton
December 24, 2019 Demon that Does Good Coming to Easthampton
November 2, 2019 Hypercube Confessions And The Future
October 5, 2019 Jesus Reincarnated Before My Eyes
August 30, 2019 A CALL TO ACTION ON THE SURREALIST FRONTLINES
March 14, 2019 Man In Castle-About-Which-World-Rotates Cannot Break Out or Be Broken Out
March 12, 2019 Man In Castle-About-Which-World-Rotates Wishes To Leave His Castle
February 26, 2019 Man In Castle-About-Which-The-World-Rotates Becomes Sickly
February 18, 2019 Man In Castle Rejects Tour
February 18, 2019 Man In The Castle-About-Which-The-World-Rotates Is Disappointed
January 24, 2019 Castle About Which World Rotates: dweller unsatisfied, unable to paint or escape
January 9, 2019 Pleasant Surprises Rise From The Roads of New York City
December 3, 2018 May The Rodents Be Gone, Say the Elderly Children
November 26, 2018 Random Act of Apathy
October 28, 2018 Words Discover How To Make Love
October 25, 2018 A New Stage of The Problem of The Upper Half Of The Man Cut into Two By A Window
October 5, 2018 Florida Parents Acquire Vending Machine to Feed Children
August 5, 2018 AN ACCOUNT OF: A MAN CUT IN TWO BY A WINDOW
May 30, 2018 Spiral Run Closing In On The Amherst Common
May 30, 2018 Notorious Chief Of Agnatroptes Witnessed Serving Sun
April 19, 2018 Musical Fun All Around
April 19, 2018 Dj Hawk Radio Passes Along
March 15, 2018 Malicious Koi Robs World of Nwidvee
March 15, 2018 Unusual Birth Occurs in Wake of Snowstorm
March 15, 2018 Strange Turn of Events Leads Writer to Symbioticism
February 25, 2018 The Story of Timothy The Round Uncovered
February 20, 2018 Norwottuck Rail Trail to be Extended
February 8, 2018 Events Unfold At The Vatican
January 22, 2018 Faith Can Move Mountains
December 25, 2017 The Fun Is Over Early This Year
December 4, 2017 Untastefully Yours Probably & The ARG
November 28, 2017 Amherst Annual Orchestra To Perform This Year's Stunt
November 9, 2017 Strange Contraption Brings Mindfulness
October 31, 2017 Woman Receives Information From Afar
September 13, 2017 Surreal Newsroom on 9/14/2017
September 6, 2017 Come to the Inaugural Surreal Newsroom
May 3, 2017 OBITUARY: TRUTH HAS DEPARTED THIS LIFE
March 17, 2017 Montreal Endures Viscous Inhabitant
February 2, 2017 A peculiar occurrence
February 1, 2017 A peculiar occurence
January 31, 2017 A peculiar occurence