Book Review: Voldemort Goes To Hawaii

Professor Nutmeg,
Columnist

It is a self-evident truth that books are not living things. Books have no feelings and no feasible way to express emotions. They are nothing more than stacks of paper bound together by a spine. What if books were physically able to speak? Perhaps they would say, “It hurts when you fold my pages like that”, or, “I’m getting lonely and dusty just sitting on this shelf”, or even, “Please don’t use me like a doorstop.” The life of a book must be a lonely one, especially in this age where the Internet has replaced the printed page. Perhaps it’s better to imagine them happy with their lives, the same way we imagine Sisyphus is happy eternally pushing a giant stone up a mountain.

If there did exist a truly happy book, it would have to be Voldemort Goes to Hawaii. It is happy for two reasons: 1) it is the most popular book of the year, loved and cherished by adults and children, and 2) it contains some of the most transcendent writing of the century thus far.

Voldemort Goes to Hawaii is an award-winning fanfiction originally written for the web by MrsWeasley188 in 2018. Its growing popularity eventually led it to being published by Fred’s Book House earlier this year. It is a light 130 pages. The reader is able to read it once, twice, then backward and upside down, in less than a day.

Lord Voldemort is in need of a vacation from stalking boy wizard Harry Potter. He travels to Hawaii and spends a week drinking margaritas on the beach, going hula dancing and learning how to surf.

The main theme of the story is self-realization. Lord Voldemort is an evil, Machiavellian antagonist, but in Hawaii, he discovers parts of himself he never knew existed: the social butterfly, the party-goer, the adventurous type. It reminds me of the self-reflecting experiments I did when I was younger. When I was 22 years old, I would take LSD and stare into the mirror for hours. My eye color would change from green to brown. I aged 30 years in just a matter of seconds. Sometimes I would look exactly like my father, other times my mother, and on some occasions former president Richard Nixon.

I did this every night for a year. But, I digress.

Most novels try to impress readers with its poetry and flowery language. Voldemort Goes to Hawaii instead goes for the plainest, most simple descriptions and the most basic narration. Voldemort’s decision to go surfing is written as, “Voldemort was trying to get a tan on the beach. He noticed some people had surf boards. He wanted to surf too. So he did.” There is no need to dive into Voldemort’s complex thought process and inner psychological conflict, it simply gets to the point. The result is pure poetry.

The dialogue is also written in childish simplistic manner: “Hello, welcome to Hawaii” “Hi! I’m Voldemort I’m here to hula dance” “You’ve come to the right place!” “Good!”

The simple, nearly robotic dialogue reminds me of the conversations I would have with my son, Charlie. I would ask, “How was school today?” and he would respond with just “Okay.” Then I would stare intently at Charlie’s head without blinking. I think if I concentrate long enough, I will be able to penetrate his 14-year-old mind and discover the inner workings of his subconscious. It never works and I always end up passing out on the kitchen floor. But, I digress.

I would recommend this book to everyone. I read this book on the bus and, upon finishing it, cried so intensely that the bus driver asked me to leave. It truly is a beautiful work. I hope that in the near future scientists are able to develop technology that will allow humans to communicate with books. Allowing books the chance to speak will provide us with much needed empathy and help us to see them as more than just inanimate objects. If this does happen, I hope that Voldemort Goes to Hawaii is given a platform, for it will no doubt become the Abraham Lincoln of books.

For more articles by Professor Nutmeg, click here. To get in touch with this writer, email nutmeg@surrealtimes.net.

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