CALIFORNIA SOCK PUPPET MAN ESCAPES SECRET FACILITY
On a warm April night a few days ago, reports started coming into the Times at an alarming rate from across Umass Amherst campus regarding a humanoid creature moving quickly in the shadows. These reports suggest the creature would alternate from moving on all fours to sprinting upright, and while these accounts all have slight differences in the description of the creature, there seems to be a consensus that it resembled an average person but with “a sock puppet for a head.” Most of the witnesses brushed off the sightings as just some random weirdo running around, but this didn’t stop the Times from investigating further.
Upon further interviews, we determined that the creature had to have come from someplace off campus, which meant a lot of ground needed to be covered, but nonetheless, the investigation team continued the search. Eventually, a trail of what appeared to be a strange cloth started to reveal itself on the side of a road, and further examination lead to the conclusion that it was a substance almost indistinguishable from what socks are made from. As the trail continued, it became clear what had happened and what we were dealing with. We were lead to what appeared to be some kind of bunker in the middle of a large field off campus where people in uniforms were scrambling around with flashlights, presumably looking for the same thing we were. The bunker was the property of none other than The Real Pharmacists, the organization who have contained cryptids based in Amherst in the past. We spoke with the confused staff who clarified that our eyewitness reports had seen the “California Sock Puppet Man,” a dangerous cryptid that had been previously locked away for years. They wouldn’t elaborate in detail about the cryptid itself, but they explained that it had been in special containment in the facility for some time to be studied. However, after the untimely death of the leader of the organization, Chuck Stylish, the creature began to behave, as an anonymous employee describes, “more and more erratic and aggressive, and all of a sudden the thing just vanished,” leaving its trail of “sock...stuff.”
Once again we inquired about what made the California Sock Puppet Man so dangerous, only for the employee to dodge us at every turn. “Look,” he began, “you really gotta stay out of this one and let the professionals handle this. That thing could be anywhere, and once someone tries to provoke it or it decides to stop avoiding people, we’ll be in some real hot water.” The employee wandered off and we were escorted off of the premises by other staff members, leaving us with a severe lack of information about a creature currently on the loose within the vicinity of the university. The Times will report in again when any more information about the creature is discovered.
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