Dear Jupiter: My Tongue Has Become A Snake!

Advice Columnist

Dear Jupiter,
I woke up one morning and my tongue had become a snake. It keeps trying to bite my nose!! What should I do? Freddy FrickleFritz III

Dear Freddy FrickleFritz III

What a world we live in where we can’t even trust our own body parts! Either your hand gains consciousness and tries to strangle you, or your kneecap learns to speak and won’t stop spouting Moon Landing conspiracy theories. I believe the isolation caused by the pandemic has made us so paranoid that we’ve become untrustworthy of our own bodies.

Surprisingly, I’ve seen this type of thing before. A former client of mine used to have frequent heated arguments with her buttocks. She would always call her buttocks fat, and her buttocks would respond by calling her an idiot. I told her that she was projecting her own insecurities on her buttocks, and her insults were causing her buttocks to internalize her insecurities. She finally apologized to her buttocks, and the two rekindled their relationship (She’s now a famous Instagram model).

As for you and your new snake tongue, try to see it from its perspective. What is causing your tongue to lash out? Perhaps you're not getting the nourishment you need. Perhaps you’re eating nothing but disgusting processed food, and your tongue is retaliating. Since it is a snake, it may just be responding naturally to its environment. It feels threatened, and is in a constant state of fight-or-flight mode. For this, I would consult a snake expert for tips.

My point is to make peace with your snake tongue. You may learn to appreciate your new appendage, and your love life may even become a little more invigorating. Sincerely, Jupiter

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