Author Bio: Hank T. Joseph is an intelligent man plagued by numerous physical ailments. He is fascinated with Charles Darwin and believes that, if he and Darwin (or one of his heirs) had joined forces, they could have made great discoveries together.
At my age, I require 50 pounds per square inch of edgy ideas supplied to me continuously. The pressure of these ideas keeps my skull from collapsing upon itself. Without it, my skull shrinks. My facial features grow disproportionate and cause me tremendous pain. Similarly, when I bump my head on a nail or a corner, and a puncture hole opens, my dearest cerebral limb dwindles.
In modern times, or “my older years”, it has been difficult to maintain proper facial-feature to head-diameter ratio. This is for a list of reasons too long to enumerate here.
1. The list starts with “the world”. The world has so few thoughts nowadays, the air is like a near-zero density thought vacuum.
2. The list ends with “my perception”. My ears and eyes, and even my fingertips, are worn down. They can’t receive ideas like they used to. Worse so, my brain has become porous and tends to leak. WORSE SO, in my lifetime I have accumulated several idea-sucking parasites who follow me around everywhere, some of whom I created myself, some from other sources.
So, what is left for me to do? I look terrible. My head looks more like a raisin than a head. Nearly all of the time, I am unable to attract mates or participate in Hereditary Hand-me-down (which is my favorite game).
In conclusion, I beg of you, whoever you are, SHOW ME THE FACE OF WISDOM and appoint me as its primary succulent. Charles’s Darwin inspired me, but his heirs continue to fail me. I am open to accepting help from new angles. Please, however you can, inflate my head like a balloon before it shrinks into a singular point unattractive to all beings above the zeroth dimension.