Designer Birth Control on The Rise
Fertile, previously-uncontrolled birthers everywhere are swooning over Juicy Couture, Prada, Salvatore Ferragam, and other luxury brands entering the market of designer birth control.
One early adopter and previous abstinence fundamentalist explained, “I was not a fan of the aesthetically-crude birth control methods of 2009-2018. They functioned fine, sure, but they were ugly.”
Many seem to have avoided old birth control because of its lowly appearance, which gave an aura of poverty, lack of creativity, and desperation against nature.
“What agitated me about the more plebeian birth control methods was that they were mass produced with no intention or care. The pills and insertions made you look like you were just scraping by, with no sense of elegance, playfulness, or so on. With my Prada Cervix Dog, I get a product that was hand-stitched with the purpose of keeping my eggs, and I mean my person eggs, unfertilized. My ‘diggity-dog’, as I call it, can patrol my uterus with swagger, thereby showing that I’m someone who can control my birthing without needing to struggle to do so.“
Top end designer birth control brands offer more than just defense against pregnancy. One NYU student remarked, “Designer BC actually makes others want to have sex with you. By using the best brands, you have more sex.”
As mid-30s business professional expounded, “I only fuck people who use luxury birth control. Why would I get with someone else? If someone doesn’t think their sex organs deserve the best, then they certainly don’t deserve to be touched by me.”
Another factor is customizability. This aspect of luxury birth control is just beginning to be explored. Gucci in particular, one of the best brands in the market, is investing in pharmaceuticals which can turn sex into a custom-tuned game of Russian roulette. Potential birthers can choose the probability of impregnation that they most desire. That way, when a couple does the sex, they can have fun with it in a semi-controlled, but edgy and fun way.
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