God On Strike, Birthrate Drops To Zero
[Artist's depiction of God by Sawyer Philips]With covid restrictions relaxing, social life is hoppin and pent up sexual energy is surging like water past a collapsing dam.
Last month, however, the skies went dark. Babies stopped being born, and the few that did slip through faced many complications. People were left wondering what was happening, and would life ever return to normal.
One day, from the heavens emerged a blinding white light. A booming voice echoed from above, “My children, I am exhausted.”
As people gathered ‘round and looked up, the voice continued, “When you conceive a child,” it said, “a bell rings in the production line and I am promptly put to work. I am overworked, as the bell has been ringing ceaselessly. Unable to keep up with the pace of your fornication, I make mistakes, producing children with defects. I have no time to do anything else and have been neglecting my other worlds.
“As well, I should remind you that children are created using the flesh of my son. Jesus’s flesh has been picked to the bone. This is unsustainable.
“I have asked you humans to calm down, use protection, or at least pace yourselves. But, you relent. Is the creation of a human life no longer sacred? You treat creation as an everyday task, and you work me like a slave. Without another choice, as your God, I must protest.”
Since this announcement, which occurred approximately 36 days ago, not a single new pregnancy has been detected. It seems as though God himself is striking against human horniness.
Couples hoping to start families are angry with young people, asserting that superficial hookups are causing pregnancies that waste God’s valuable time. “We patiently waited for marriage before starting the family,” said one woman, “but now it feels like we’ll never have the chance to start a family again. All because of these horny kids spamming the baby supply chain, God is mad at us and won’t respond to our baby requests.”
Sergeant Tom Johnson from the Amherst Police department also chimed in here. “National security is getting involved. We have reason to believe China performed a DDoS attack on God. Evidence suggests they spammed god with conception requests in order to overwhelm him, and thereby prevent him from granting U.S.A. conception requests. Unfortunately, the plan backfired for everyone involved.”
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