High-quality Spot Found Downtown
A particular location downtown Amherst has come to the attention of the Peripheral Intelligence Agency. It is approximately 8 feet in front Emily Dickinson’s grave. We have gathered that standing in this location brings a sudden profound state of tranquility and crystal clear thought.
We spoke with Hockey George, the long-haired, propellor beanie-wearing rambler of Amherst. This man is notorious for his rancid smell and the anti-deodorant propaganda that he spray-paints onto walls downtown.
George said he didn’t understand “The Spot” at first. But, after hearing students and bums alike rant and rave about it, he gave it a try. “I couldn’t believe it!” he said, “It fucking worked, Goddamnit!” He explained, “It was strange... walking through the cold cemetery in search of something obscure. It felt pretty nefarious. But the moment I found ‘the spot’, or whatever they call it, I felt absolutely great. My back pain? Gone. All the stress and worries in my whole world? Gone. I felt so thoroughly and unexplainably good. All at once. I woulda stayed right there forever if I didn’t get kicked out. Hey, but I split quick because I didn’t want the cop to get to feel what I felt. If I can’t have it, no-one can.”
We also spoke with the groundskeeper at West Cemetery (who asked not to be named). He explained that, at first, he was annoyed by the influx of visitors to the cemetery. “But,” he said, “the spot grew on me. You want to know why? Because it makes people smile. After all these years in this lonely, sad place, it is nice to see some visitors smiling and feeling good instead of whimpering.”
Various others attest that the spot has worked for them as well. Those claiming bunk have not yet provided proof of actually having been to the spot.
The PIA is investigating,
and, in the meanwhile, peripherally go the winds of progress…
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