I Hereby Endorse Whorf's Cactus Balm

Peter “Mini-P” Petrinksi,
Foremost Dwarf Naturalist

The Times has asked me to do a review of the product “Whorf’s Cactus Balm.” I have been assured by Emmanuel E. Whorf himself that it contains the finest cactus and the most potent balm. Are these claims true?

Forensic analysis shows that the cactus is made from a five cactus blend of species native to Arizona. Seeing as how Mr. Whorf claims the cactus is harvested from there, this claim checks out. Most cactus balms have only a two or three cactus blend. The goal of using five species is to maximize the psychoactive interactions of the cactus. While using five species may produce a more potent balm, the species must be mixed in a precise ratio, or the balm is useless. Whorf has managed to do this consistently in the four bottles I tried. I wonder what the failure rate of his process is, and thus how much cactus balm has to be discarded. Regardless, of the four to six cactus species balms, this is one of the cheapest at $19.99 per 200ML bottle.

The balm itself is slightly thick with a refreshing, nutty smell. Like all of the psychoactive cactus balms, it is applied to the gums. Whorf recommends 10ML per application every other day, which means one bottle will last for forty days. That value is commendable.

Now for what I’m sure you’ve all been waiting for: the effect. Here, Whorf must be commended. The cactus balm has fortified my mind. No longer am I influenced by advertising, or swayed by manipulators. In fact the balm was so strong that for the twenty days I used it my mind was not changed once. I can’t speak with surety, but it seems to me that more and more these days people are adopting dangerous and uncivil attitudes. So for those of you looking to shut yourself off from change, I cannot recommend highly enough Whorf’s Cactus Balm. If you are looking for a milder effect, to insulate your mind but not freeze it, I would recommend either a half dose or a cheaper, less potent cactus balm. Mini P Petrinski signing off.

For more articles by Peter “Mini-P” Petrinksi, click here. To get in touch with this writer, email petrinski.peter@surrealtimes.net.

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