UMass PD received a call last Tuesday night about suspicious activity at Jerry’s Toys. The caller reported a man inside the store, playing with the toys in the dark when the store was clearly closed. The man was gone before officers arrived. Fortunately, the criminal left a trail of animal crackers behind him, giving away his route. Officers followed the trail through a McDonald’s play place, into a sewer, and eventually into the Salvation Army.

They found an individual known as “The Inanimate Empathist” in the dark examining the miscellaneous nik-naks for sale at the back of the store, conversing with them about how they’ve been doing and so on. He was calm although confused when officers approached. “Oh, hello,” he said, “were you invited? I thought I was the only one of our kind attending this get-together.”

Officers brought the man outside. It turns out that he had entered the store for a “soirée of an inanimate kind” and had no intention of stealing. “What do you mean ‘steal’?” he asked, “why would I steal one of my new friends?”

The Inanimate Empathist spent a night in the drunk tank, although he claims he does not drink and was driven home the next day. UMass PD let him off on the condition that he does not play too many video games or read too many fantasy novels going forward, and that he never again enters stores after business hours. We advised him to purchase the items he wants to have, so he “spend time with them” legally, but I do not think he took this advice to heart. “What do you mean purchase?” he asked. “They wouldn’t purchase me, why would I purchase them?”

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