Sergeant UMass PD
tjohnson@umass.edu
Sergeant Johnson is a veteran member of the UMass police force. He is known for his involvement with the extraterrestrial cockfighting busts of 2018, as well as the Hair Anywhere Spray fiasco of 2019. His contributions to The Surreal Times generally entail public service announcements and crime reports.
He cares about keeping the world safe and sensible.
Collected Works
| December 12, 2021 |
Power outage causes slow motion |
| December 12, 2021 |
Free Will Fridays |
| August 23, 2021 |
Monkey Tilt Laws |
| July 18, 2021 |
Public Notice: Bones Will Be Distributed Evenly |
| May 29, 2021 |
Martians Discover Helicopter Drones |
| May 29, 2021 |
Parental Controls For The Eyeballs |
| February 8, 2021 |
Dentist Starves After Robot Teeth Steal Food |
| February 8, 2021 |
Woman Overdoses On Helium |
| October 28, 2020 |
Sandcastle Sex Dolls Deemed Unhealthy |
| April 23, 2020 |
Invasive Tree Grows Writhing Rats |
| February 29, 2020 |
An Unsolved Case: Hand Disembodiment On The Charles |
| December 6, 2019 |
Designer Birth Control Not Safe |
| December 6, 2019 |
Rabbit Hole Traps Halt Safety |
| December 6, 2019 |
Collegian Did Not Start Newsbox Fires |
| December 6, 2019 |
Inanimate Empathist Breaking And Entering |
| November 2, 2019 |
Hippies Vandalize Stone Motorhome |
| October 3, 2019 |
Larping Kids Cause a Ruckus |
| October 3, 2019 |
PSA To Wet Robot Canoodlers |
| June 16, 2019 |
Account: Victim of Crows |
| June 16, 2019 |
Death By Halal |
| May 21, 2019 |
Hot Dog Pranks Legal But Not Okay |
| April 16, 2019 |
Hooded Woman Dies in Butterfield Dorm |
| April 16, 2019 |
Tree-climbing Student Attacked By Spear |
| March 24, 2019 |
Journalist's Life Partner Goes Missing |
| March 12, 2019 |
Destroyer of Blimp Going to Jail |
| March 11, 2019 |
Doorstep Toddlers Stealing Data |
| February 16, 2019 |
Plane Destroys Blimp, Deadly Tabun Needles Rain Upon Civilians |
| January 17, 2019 |
Serum to Counter Hair Anywhere Spray |
| December 30, 2018 |
Chimp Joe Found in Midst of Noise Moth Binge |
| December 27, 2018 |
Hair Anywhere Spray Banned Across the Pioneer Valley |
| December 18, 2018 |
Chimpanzee Joe Missing |
| December 10, 2018 |
Landscaping Companies On Call For Hair Anywhere Spray Emergencies |
| November 22, 2018 |
Hair Anywhere Graffiti Scoundrels Run Rampant |
| November 18, 2018 |
Fortune Cookies Throw Insults |
| September 20, 2018 |
Questionable Hustle in Central Park: HUMAN ZOO |
| July 29, 2018 |
In Wake of Cockfighting Bust, Roosters Euthanized |
| July 25, 2018 |
The Fate of The Cockfighting Roosters |
| July 21, 2018 |
Escaped Roosters Wreak Havoc Downtown |
| July 1, 2018 |
Cockfighting Bust in Northampton |
| April 19, 2018 |
Intelligent Computer Worm On The Loose |
| April 19, 2018 |
A Note From The Police: Individuals Saturating Rotaries... |
| March 15, 2018 |
Giant Injured in Stupor |
| February 2, 2017 |
ROGUE WOMAN ON CAMPUS |