Interview With NASA Computer Scientist
On March 7, 3:09 AM, a man claiming to be a NASA computer scientist contacted the Surreal Times management email address. He demanded a meeting with a reporter in the Black Dog cafe downtown, wherein the following conversation transpired.
Transcript of New Recording 2, March 8, 2019
PH: Wait, hang on ok, it’s recording. Could you repeat your name for the record?
TS: My name is Tobias Stacker and I was the head supervisor of Opportunity’s analytics system. I’m gonna tell you something that’s probably gonna make no sense.
PH: Alright. Go ahead. You wanted to talk about the Opportunity, right?
TS: Yeah, I did. The rover. It’s barely even ours at all. These machines aren’t our puppets. I know that’s not something you’d hear from someone who designed one, but there’s something else there.
PH: Something else?
TS: Yeah. A pilot, if you will.
PH: Like, something conscious? Like a-
TS: No, no. Not a human brain. Ethics board shut that one down. Too difficult anyway.
PH: So a pilot? You’d need a pretty smart animal to pilot the rover. Could anything other than a human do that?
TS: Yeah. We chose an octopus instead.
[Reporter begins laughing]
TS: Hey, octopi are smart! If you’ve got one in an aquarium with lots of other fish tanks nearby, they can leave their tank when they know no guards are around and feed on the other fish. They’ll be back in their tank before they can get caught.
PH: That’s amazing!
TS: Yeah, it is. And that’s why we did what we did. We bred a juvenile named Kary. It was kind of cute, the way it looked like an adult hit with a shrink ray. It was curious, too. It would try to hug your finger if you put in it the tank.
Anyways, after 8 months, we sliced its brain open fifteen ways from Sunday, and simulated it perfectly in the rover. It needed training to get used to its new body. Luckily, we had a pleasure response we could trigger any time, so it wasn’t hard. Tell me, when do you think the Opportunity shut down?
PH: Hmm. Maybe around the middle of February? That’s when I started hearing about it, at least.
TS: Wrong. It’s actually been unresponsive since June 10th last year. February is when we called it quits.
[He pauses.]
Until then, we had been keeping Kary entertained with pleasure signals when he performed a task for us. No one knows for sure what Kary’s been up to since June, but none of the theories are pretty.
PH: I don’t know how the rover worked, but wouldn’t he have just died?
TS: That’s one theory. The thing is, Kary’s the most valuable part of the rover. Some of my buddies in engineering tell me there were backup systems to keep him alive. And, mentally, none of them are doing too hot right now. I think Steve’s in a psych ward now.
PH: So, this doesn’t tell me anything about why these accidents are happening. What does this have to do with anything?
TS: I know it’s not a one-to-one comparison, but did you know crows remember human faces? Especially ones they don’t like. They’ll dive-bomb and taunt them. In other words, they hold grudges. Kary’s smart.
PH: But how does he know what’s going on over here? How does he make those things happen? I’m not following.
TS: That’s where my work ends. Frankly, your guess is as good as mine. I know there were some departments on the rover most of us weren’t allowed access to. Maybe it found something? Aliens? Demons? Hell if I know.
[He pauses]
I suspect some of the brass has connected the dots as well. They know someone’s going to pay for this. I think that’s why they’re pushing this new rover so hard. Give Kary some targets, so it can’t find the bastards who are really at fault here.
PH: If any of this is true, are you scared at all for your life? What if he finds you?
TS: I helped them do this to Kary. I’ve accepted that. Whatever happens, I deserve it.
PH: And why did you contact us specifically? A college newspaper based in the middle of nowhere?
TS: I needed to get it off my chest. And with your name, the Surreal Times, no one’s ever gonna believe you anyway.
Stacker was later found dead in his apartment. An autopsy showed that all fluids in Stacker’s body, including blood, bile, sweat, and secretions, had boiled away completely. His lungs showed signs of perchlorate exposure. Cause of death was inconclusive.
POST A COMMENT
See Also
Want to read more news? Click here for a random article.