Jeff Bezos: Chimpanzee Murderer

Jeffrey Preston Bezos. Entrepreneur. CEO. Pretend Astronaut. Now add one more title to his name: chimpanzee murderer. The real story behind Bezos’s escapade into lower orbit on July 20th has a sinister history that no media organization is brave enough to report on...for fear of being sued by Jeffrey.

But here at the Surreal Times, we do not cower to impotent threats from hairless freaks. Just because Jeffrey has a couple billion dollars to throw around doesn’t mean he can dictate the free press. And besides, we have a massive legal budget to cover our frequent accusations of slander from a variety of billions we have taken on throughout the years. So without further to do, here is the real story that will forever cement Jeffrey as one of the most contemptible villains in modern history.

Actually, one more thing before I get into the whole chimpanzee murderer story. Jeffrey Bezos is an admirable guy. He’s just misunderstood. Every Amazon warehouse worker speaks in glowing terms about how awesome it is to work for him, and how they jump out of bed every morning with a heart full of joy, ready for an honest day of hard work at the greatest company ever created.

When I interviewed Jeffrey for this article, I couldn’t believe how handsome he was. His eyes were strikingly gorgeous, and his face had a remarkable symmetry to it, as if it was personally crafted by God’s steady hand. We wined and dined all night, and before he tucked me into bed, Jeffrey gave me a gentle but firm kiss on my forehead and said, “I love you.” I will never forget that tender moment.

Well, it looks like I’m running out of time to finish my chimpanzee murderer story, so I’ll leave it at that. My editor is screaming at me as I type out these words to finish up. But I swear, the chimp story is juicy. It will completely tear down Jeffrey’s empire. It’s just my damn editor, always cutting my takedown stories short. Maybe next month.

DISCLAIMER: Jeffry Preston Bezos bought out the Surreal Times halfway through the writing of this article. We are all grateful for his support, and are looking forward to a bright future with the Amazon family.

For more articles by Paul Kruger, click here. To get in touch with this writer, email


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