LA City Government Rumored To Be Buying Tiktok
TikTok is the biggest breakout social media app in recent years, gaining 800 million daily users and over 2 billion downloads on the App Store/Google Play. However, a few months ago, the popular video-sharing app found its future in uncertain legal territory as government officials, led by President Trump, moved to ban the app due to concerns over national security and privacy. TikTok, owned by the Chinese company ByteDance, has drawn intense scrutiny over potential ties to the Chinese government using the app for nefarious purposes. In a last-ditch effort to spite the youth of America before he leaves office, President Trump has reignited his desires to take swift and severe actions to restrict or even outright ban the app soon. Rumors have been swirling about a potential buyout from a major US company to take over TikTok’s US operations, with tech giants Microsoft and Oracle leading the charge. But in a surprising move, the Los Angeles City Government itself has expressed interest in taking ownership of the popular social media app. In an exclusive interview with the Surreal Times, mayor Eric Garcetti confided, “yes, I know this is a controversial decision, but I’ve been a fan of the app for so long and have even made a few videos myself,” he confidently added with a sly wink. A quick search shows the mayor’s personal account is private but has posted an impressive 300 short-form videos since he first joined in December 2018. While it is unclear how big of a bid the LA government has offered, it is rumored to be upwards of 10 billion dollars. What the city plans to do with the app remains one of the largest questions. At a time when homelessness, affordable housing, police reform, and coronavirus-related protection are all in desperate need of additional funding, the Los Angeles city government has chosen to go a different route and embrace the city’s image as the entertainment capital of the world. Mayor Garcetti says, “we believe the purchase of TikTok will be tremendously beneficial to all Los Angelinos. I have plans to incorporate some of the biggest TikTok stars into our city leadership, which will bring about an era of prosperity and harmony.” Brushing aside concerns over justifying diverting funds that would have gone to struggling small businesses affected by the pandemic to buy TikTok, the Mayor strongly retorted, “the era of small business is over. Those little potatoes are going to be wiped out by robots anyway. TikTok is the present and TikTok is the future. Might as well embrace it, am I right?”
Initial plans following the TikTok acquisition have been leaked to the Surreal Times by an inside source. What we learned was quite shocking. By unilateral authority, Mayor Garcetti plans to appoint popular TikTok star Addison Rae (age 19) to fill the role of sheriff of Los Angeles County and sisters Charlie and Dixie D'amelio (age 16, 18 respectively) to co-leaders of the department of transportation. When approached to give a comment, Addison Rae said, “I can’t say anything’s final, but let’s just say there’s gonna be a new sheriff in town,” while tipping her pink cowboy hat. The D’amelio sisters just giggled and then zipped away on a couple of Bird scooters. Mayor Garcetti himself has indicated he is willing to step down from the position of mayor and give popular YouTuber turned TikTok star James Charles his position, who Garcetti said is, “the king of TikTok and an inspiration to me every day.” Charles, age 21, tweeted out “Yas queen” after hearing Garcetti’s intentions. When asked why he felt putting young TikTok stars in charge of municipal departments was a good idea, Garcetti shrugged and said, “you wouldn’t understand. You’re canceled.”
The bid to buy TikTok has drawn both criticism and praise from Los Angelinos. City activist and Civil Rights organizer Tiffany Pincho wrote in a fiery op-ed, “to think that my city is taking away money from underprivileged people in desperate need of governmental assistance and instead using it to buy a silly app is disgusting and disgraceful. I am ashamed to be living in this city.” 13-year-old Dillon Peterson has a different take: “I love TikTok! Follow me @DillonRules123.”
While the buyout has yet to be finalized, Los Angeles chief deputy treasurer Keith Knox seems pretty confident their bid will be successful. “Oh we’ve got this one in the bag...and you can take that to the bank,” Knox boasted as he shot a toy basketball into a mini hoop in his office, yelling “Kobe.” Remembering the tragic helicopter accident that killed Kobe Bryant a few months ago, he solemnly added, “RIP...RIP to a legend.” After asking for a moment of silence, he shuffled away to the bathroom while muttering about a Chipotle burrito under his breath.
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