MONSTROSITY APPROACHING
Prepare yourself and your kin for the return of these ethereal beasts.
A gargantuan monstrosity is imminently approaching, and, if not stopped somehow, will engulf us completely. A citizen of Amherst can see for themselves by gazing Eastward into the horizon. At first, the monstrosity will appear as nothing more than a gray cloud, slightly more gray and tumultuous than typical. But, over time (ideally, if viewed over time-lapse), it will be obviously something more. This apparent “cloud” will emerge in your understanding as a fully blown “ether bear”, and a big one at that. Be warned that you will be intially skeptical of your perceptions. When the light is right, though, you will see glimpses of the wretched opaque tentacles; you will see layers of gaseous organ sacks; and you will see a dozen terrible ocular vortexes. And, observing this approaching doom each day, for weeks on end, you will come to believe. And, if you are anything like me, you will look around at the fingers of society going about their daily business —- police officers disciplining j-walkers, money chasers watching stocks, students struggling with Calculus. You will see how completely 100% aloof these people are to the coming threat to our fertilizer reserves (and who knows what else)!
The last time the earth was rampaged by these gaseous animals was in the time between 2010 and 2012. For over two years, the ether bears pillaged our factories, and the toll they took was enormous, reverberating through agriculture into all facets of the economy.
No longer able to absorb this toll, fertilizer companies joined forces with farmers lobbying for governmental intervention. The government, however, claimed the ether bear had been made extinct during the great ether creature exterminations of 1956.
The fertilizer companies and farmers were forced to act on their own. On the sunniest most cloudless day of summer 2013, during which they could be most certain that no ether bears were near, they transported the contents of all U.S. fertilizer reserves to a West Fertilizer Company location just North of Waco, Texas.
Unsurprisingly, the week that followed was the “cloudiest” there had ever been. The fertilizer manufacturers and the farmers waited carefully, though, until they were sure every ether bear in the country had gathered round. Only then did they light a match, setting off the largest fertilizer bomb in history.
On May 11, 2016, the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives stated that the fire had been deliberately set. They were right. What they neglected to mention was the motivation for the blast, and that they in fact had aided in the great ether carcass burn of 2013.
The scheme was successful, as it seemed — but with great ecological and economic repercussions.
We cannot afford to conduct a similar scheme, even if the gaseous creatures would fall for it a second time. So we need new ideas. That is why we at the PIA will be holding a brainstorming session at our headquarters this coming Thursday at 8:00pm in Herter room 640 (on the University of Massachusetts campus). Please stop by if you have any ideas.
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