Pioneer Valley Urine Found to Be Not Potable
In late January, the Pioneer Valley Bureau of Beverages and Beverage Safety (PVBBBS) was greenlighted to start work on a small, routine study of the safety of bodily fluids within the Valley. The intention of the PVBBBS was to bolster the population’s confidence in their own endocrine health.
But months later, and after many breakthroughs, breakdowns, and break-ins, the now-disgraced PVBBBS has made public their findings, the conclusions of which have stunned the area. They claim that, in spite of the commonly accepted and well-documented fact of Pioneer Valley’s excretory supremacy, the area’s pee is somehow hazardous to consume.
These claims have widely been met with suspicion, due to the myriad scandals that have plagued the PVBBBS, including the now-infamous Squirt™ scandal that prompted the impeachment of Clamp Van Hammerton, the Champion of the planned “Stamp for Wilt Chamberlain”, from the campaign’s “board of planning events”. The two hardly seem incidental.
The PVBBBS has beseeched the populace to challenge the very governments that the PVBBBS is commissioned under, prompting some ponderance over the intentions of the PVBBBS and whether their findings are legitimate or not. Considering the disproportionately large percentage of the Pioneer Valley diet that urine comprises, the PVBBBS’s findings, if true, would mean that a catastrophic detriment has already been made to the Valley’s health at-large and that the town governments would surely have been responsible for this long-running health oversight.
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[vivianvandervoort@Jun.17 1:12pm]: weee weee wahh wahh
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