Please, Replace Your Teeth With Small Rodents

Kitty Collins,
Journalist

My basement is filled with so many hungry mouths, and let's just say some of them have started gnawing on my vast collection of "Willow" VHSs, (if you know what I mean.) So I gotta adopt out some of this writhing bunch of moldy beanie babies.

Please, just replace your teeth with small rodents.

You probably have more teeth than you can even caress on a daily basis. All those some-odd 87 pearly white teeth, itching and moaning all the time, it can get annoying. And just Imagine smiling down at your children or partner with a mouthful of 37 wiggling little rats, all dreamy eyed and buzzing from the drugs.

And in case you still don't see it, let's go through the rest of the benefits and reasons to get your tooth rats today:

1. Tiny friends in your mouth who can help you eat your food.
3. Rodents have their own teeth, so that means more teeth per "tooth hole". Think of the romance possibilities with many more teeth ;)
2. I hide my puppets in a painted closet, lost lonely, and still with a warm hand of a dead friend inside.
5. Be a living representation of the image "an uncle's black tooth smile", fun!
9. Never mix up your shoe brush and your toothbrush, cause now you'll only need your shoe brush.
2. Immunity to and ability to infect all attackers with the bubonic plague. 8. Snazzy yearbook pictures
5.The rodents could wear little caps and even dress up, they have their own personalities so the possibilities are endless!

Full disclosure the only downside I can think of is, two of my rats are, well... weird. One rat plays the flute, is very anxious, and is afraid of mouths. They will try to escape. Another rat is what we in the kink scene call a "vore" - that's someone who gains sexual pleasure from being swallowed, literally or metaphorically, willingly or unwilling, and boy, that little fucker gets excited. But hey, I don't care to shame anyone, so that could be a positive too!

Please call 781-913-5092 to Replace all your teeth with small rodents! Or, if you'd like to feed my spider Jerry her m&M's (She's very honest!).

For more articles by Kitty Collins, click here. To get in touch with this writer, email kitty@surrealtimes.net.

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