Rising Dissasociex Prices Linked to Midterms
Ipsum Pharmaceuticals has come under fire recently for an increase in the retail price of their most popular product, Disassociex. The drug temporarily alters memory and personality traits, essentially creating a different person who inhabits your body before fading away an hour later. Disassociex has become increasingly popular among the college crowd, surpassing even ADHD medication in casual use. It is typically used to “dodge” tests, lectures, and other boring events, and as midterm season approaches, discarded Disassociex boxes are being found around campus in droves.
Ipsum chairperson Darrin Cho said to major news outlets on Friday, “The purpose of the recent price hike is to prevent our product from being abused, and limit its use to people who require it in their day-to-day professions, such as airline pilots, neurosurgeons, and bomb defusal specialists.”
“Is there potential for abuse? Of course. But because of our actions, our market experts tell us that such abuse will now be limited mostly to wealthy international students, or possibly fraternity brothers with vacation homes in upstate New York.” Cho proceeded to have another sip of deep red wine from his diamond-encrusted chalice, savoring the new notes of veneer its 400 year aging process had brought to the surface.
Market analysts say the magnitude of the price hike’s negative effects on Ipsum stock and availability could reveal a state- or even nationwide epidemic of users. Thankfully however, harmful side effects are rarely reported.
For this assignment, this reporter posted an ad asking for a quick interview with a regular user of Disassociex. Thus, he had to tackle one of his biggest challenges yet and talk to a real life, 3-dimensional, human female, who asked to remain anonymous.
This reporter, wearing a disguise, met the female in question by the salad bar, as arranged. The following interview took place in the Worcester dining hall at 1:00 pm.
I approach the female and she notices me.
F: “You’re the hermit guy? Wait, aren’t you in my dorm? Aren’t you the reason we don’t have hand dryers in the building anymore?”
PH: “So tell me, why do you use Disassociex? Is it the ‘cool’ thing nowadays?”
F: “I mean, I don’t have time to study anymore. I already barely did before I started taking, and now I’m busy getting into arguments on the internet about how great Ipsum Pharma is, so why would I walk into a-”
She suddenly checks her watch.
F: “Actually, I’m due for another dose right about now, could you hurry this interview up? If I don’t take my Disassociex on time, I….”
PH: “What happens? Nausea? Vomiting? Or are the side effects more psychological? Can you mix it with Prozac?”
She pauses for roughly 20 seconds as her pupils dilate, and she begins looking around at the dining hall.
F: “Wait, where am I? How long have I been here?”
PH: “The interview. Remember?”
She begins to fumble through her left pocket for the pills.
F: “Oh no. Oh no no no.”
She grabs her left arm with own right hand and puts on an impressive mime routine of “fighting” her own arm.
PH: “I, uh, wow, that looks really good! Is there like a mime club on campus? When do you meet? Do you need members?”
F: “Sorry, could you take the pills out of this pocket and throw them as far as you can? NOW!”
PH: “What?”
This reporter would like to commend her for her tireless work perfecting her routine. She even managed to let out several realistic requests for help, getting increasingly frantic.
F: “HELP ME! FUCKING HELP ME!”
PH: “I think your routine could incorporate a bit more of the surroundings. Maye you could try to put your hand in a bag and zip it up. That would be funny.”
Her left arm slowly but surely begins putting the pill inside her mouth.
F: “OH JESUS CHR-”
She catches her breath as pill goes down.
F: “Sorry about that. If I don’t take these pills I get a bit weird, you know how it is. Anyways, yeah, it’s been a real help for me, because I frankly don’t have any time to study.”
PH: “I understand. When I don’t take my pills, I get weird too. This is the Purple Hermit, signing off.”
F: “Did you just say that out loud? Is there a camera here? God, you’re so fucking weird. I don’t know why I agreed to this. I have to go to class now.”
Comments
[vivianvandervoort@Nov.19 2:57am]: I think this is an extremely important issue that has taken too long to be addressed! God bless.
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