Squid Wrangling Methods
Advice from a dumpster-diving extraordinaire
[Artist's depiction of squid wrangling by Zotov]Life’s a dumpster, and we’re swimming in it.
Some days you just can’t go wrong dumpster divin’. You float around in mushy textures, oogly consistencies, the smell of pizza and sun-dried banana peels. You breathe in and swirl your tongue all throughout the garbage guck, basking in the sweet sensations. If you’re lucky, as icing on the cake, you’ll even find some free gizmos.
A diver’s gotta cherish these times because they don’t always last.
Someday you’ll find yourself tangled in slimy strands of spaghetti, wrapping up yo’ limbs, yo’ windpipe, and squeezing away yo’ whole life. It could be someone’s leftover dinner, but it could also be a dumpster squid, part of a deadly invasive species invading New England.
Rumor has it some radiation from a nuclear submarine caused a mutation in squids off the coast of Morocco. The mutation let them live in semi-dry environments like moist laundry baskets, swamps, and, most recently, dumpsters. The damn things hitchhiked across the Atlantic in fishing vats. They’ve been making babies in our landfills ever since.
I know a bartender at the High Horse who was smoking a cigarette on his lunch break when some tentacles reached out and pulled him into the dumpster. I never saw him again, and trash has been accumulating inside ever since. Employees are too afraid to take it outside.
If you go near dumpsters, then you should know how to defend yourself. Here are some strategies for fighting off a dumpster squid:
1. Squids are smart enough to know that humans don’t usually use their mouths as weapons. This assumption makes them weak. So, let a squid wrap your body and limbs in its tentacles. When it pulls you close, it won’t bother to secure your jaw. Bite through its boneless skull, sinking your teeth into its brain.
2. If the squid is reaching for you but has not grabbed you yet, swiftly break off its beak with a karate chop. Without a beak, it has no spiritual center. It will cry like a baby all night.
3. Use rubber bands! All you need to do is take the scrunchy out of your hair and put it on the squid’s tentacle. Two minutes later, the tentacle will die.
Above all, if you don’t know what you’re doing, stay away from piles of trash anywhere. Spread your trash all over the place, so that it doesn’t build up in any one spot. Because, if it does, it will become a breeding ground for these damn squids, just like a pond is a breeding ground for mosquitoes.
For those with the guts to go divin’ even while knowing these dangers, be safe out there. Keep the spirit alive, but stay on your toes.
Comments
[Molly@Jan.30 7:24pm]: This is magical. Stay safe adventurer.
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