Dumpster Squids Migrate To Mud Puddles
[Artist's depiction by Imogene Larkley]
It is with a heavy heart and heavier fingers that I write to inform the public of terrible news. The recent invasion of mutated squids, previously thought only to live in semi-dry areas such as dumpsters and moist laundry baskets, has indeed spread to the mud puddles now blanketing our little valley hamlet. Three days ago I witnessed Joe Howard, my neighbor, in the midst of a terrible battle between himself and two large specimens. He screamed for help but I, shamefully paralyzed by fear, could only watch as the massive mud-covered tentacles slowly drug his face under the mud, which closed gently around him like a shroud.
Citizens of the Pioneer Valley be warned: WE ARE NOT SAFE. Not while those great behemoths stalk our beautiful clean mud, not while a single, solitary, specimen continues to squelch its way through our damp lawns. I fear that my old neighbor Joe, may have suffered a terrible fate in vain if we continue to allow this menace to stalk our mud pits.
I fear for my hogs, I fear for my children, I fear for those less fortunate than I who live on dirt-paved roads who will soon be suffering Mud Season. Your all-wheel-drive Subaru will not protect you from eight or more writhing, suckered, slime and mud-covered tentacles -- tentacles probing under your doors, into your exhaust, gripping your tires, and slowly, gently, devouring you. Arm yourselves! Take up harpoons! Take up knives! Take up spear guns! Protect yourselves from this cephalopod invasion, lest our great-grandchildren be born mollusks.
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