Stolen Gurgleer
The PIA (Peripheral Intelligence Agency) was contacted recently by members of Massachusetts Institute of Technology fraternity E-to-the-I-Pi. Students came to us with reports of nefarious intrusion into their brotherhouse.
At first we brushed aside far-flung reports of “confiscated synthesized waterfalls.” But various other Cambridge area fraternities and gentlemen’s clubs contacted us also in subsequent weeks. And, of all things, they came bearing similar information to that presented by E-to-the-I-Pi.
Reports of various longtime in-house secrets: Levitating showerheads with no inleading pipes, that somehow dispense water from thin air. Orb-like sinks without faucets, that, when you cup your hands in their bowels, will instantly fill the space between your palms with water. And a fingerglove that, when put in contact with a person’s belly button, will hydrate their stomachs wholly.
E^(I*PI) informed me that fantastic household appliances such as these have been invented and beloved by many generations of brothers. And only now, upwards of 150 years after the inaugural synthetic waterfall brotherhood surf party, has anyone from the outside world taken notice.
The brothers explained. It was a weekend night during September. Their house was hosting a rush gathering like any other, and they had all but their most treasured household appliances on display (in hopes of attracting the brightest minds at MIT). Toasters, microwaves, and more. At the climax of the night, they unveiled their most treasured household appliance — the Gurgleer Drunk-o-Matic. Modeled after the Hydration Glove, this is a red hat that, when worn, spawns alcohol directly into the brain.
After explaining the electronics of the Gurgleer, the Head Brother test drove it for the anticipating crowd, becoming furiously inspiringly drunk, and bodyslamming a Roomba.
When he rose from resulting rubble, he was confronted by a giant of a man, beckoning broad shoulders and wearing a red football jersey #99. This giant had a sidekick, a short funnyman with the name Kevin.
The two of them threw a devastating combination of force and comedic seduction that left the already-drunk Head Brother weak and gullible. They took the Gurgleer, and used it offensively against every sober person in sight. Then they began their heist of the Gurgleer and all similar technology and accompanying blueprints in the house.
E^(I*Pi) requested that the PIA look into this heist. As such, we are looking for anonymous tips. Please contact pia@surrealtimes.net with relevant information.
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