In our last issues we shared with you our efforts to make the world of awards more equal to peeps of all ages. We showed you our picks for the five most promising young children under the age of five. This week we're taking it down a couple notches with our list of the most miserable failures who haven't even managed to reach their 6th birthday yet.
1. Joyce Birkenstein. Aged 4 year, 2 months.
Little Joyce had it made. Upper middle class parents, dimples you could plant a potato in, and a pair of grandparents who give her the one thing God can't; toys. She got a nice set of duplo Lego blocks, but could not even build a duck, not even a stupid one with no bill or anything. When her mom tried to help her build a simple straight up tower, the little bitch built it too high, thus ruining the architectural integrity and causing it to topple over. This is one for the foster system.
2. Mickey "The Fink" Taylor. Aged 2 years, 3 months.
Two years past the bloody labial gates and this little bingle donger got kicked out of three different daycares. One of them even being a Montessori, Jeez, we thought they didn't kick anybody out. Then, they smoothly babbled their way into a rushed marriage, rushed even for a 2-year-old. Got a quickie divorce in the same building they got married in. Then got their heartbroke ex-husband sent to prison because of their age difference.
3. Morgan Jones. Aged 3 years, 7 months.
This tonka dump truck was out at the playground hanging out with a couple other toddlers. Each of them playing with sand castles in the grass. Like toddlers do, they started picking up bugs and letting them crawl across their fingers. Naturally as all young children do, they got curious. One of them, Niki (Who just missed our Top 5 under 5 List.) decided to see what it would feel like for a cricket dance across her tongue. Well, little Morgan Jones here decided to follow suit, but like a vhs licker, she ended up swallowing the poor little bugger. Not only that, adding to her family’s shame she barfed it up. Luckily Niki quickly performed CPR and the bug lived to play strung out string music all through the playground. Luckily the rest of the toddlers and all adults at the park banished her into the woods to live out a life of hoboing.
4. Goose Masterson. Aged 6 months.
This little turd-clumper somehow managed to con their way into a golden job at a Corn Kingdom cart in the mall, working in the big corn suit as the King Corn. Reportedly they really came alive, inside that suit there was no shyness ‘cause through mascot head they couldn't see the fat hungry gawkers looking at them. Also they hadn't developed object permanence yet. So all that self-consciousness of youth was filtered into King Corns's personality, they were living. Then they had to go and spill a big bowl of lime corn on the CEO. Now they're husking corn in a sweatshop in Idaho. For our sake Corn Kingdom better keep them there.
5. Tommy Johnson. Aged 2 min. Well this little dickweed is a still born. Couldn't even huff with it in the big time. Some just aren't cut out for it. Ol' Heidegger calls 'em "throw-backs."
Well that's our list, if you know any disgusting waste of diapers, call the Surreal Times Bottom 5 Under 5 Hotline @ 1-800-752-9662
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