The Banjoman Stalks Amherst
Amherst citizens face a new threat: the Banjoman. Emerging from the shadows, he strikes chords with his banjo and sings a seemingly innocuous tune:
“My name is ol’ Hardtack from Ol’ Alabam’ / This war we’re a-fightin’ I don’t understand/ I hate all this fightin’ and shootin’ and stuff/ playing my banjo is torment enough.”
Anyone exposed to the full verse fall into a coma immediately. Victims become unresponsive and may sustain a concussion as they collapse to the ground. So far, the Banjoman has struck eight people.
Police Chief Maria Gonzales does not suggest Amherst citizens run away from the Banjoman.
“He is very fast,” Chief Gonzales told the Times, “and he has his banjo secured to him. Instead, plug your ears with your thumbs and shout as loudly as you can while walking towards a more populated area. If you can prevent yourself from hearing the verse, you may avoid the coma.”
Luckily, Finch Inc. has discovered a way to reverse the coma. Finney Finch herself spoke to the Times about the unusual cure. We approached her as she perched above her desk, her voice clearly excited in the rush of the moment. For those unaware, Finney Finch appears to be an American Goldfinch, yet possesses an uncanny intelligence and the ability to produce human speech.
“The boys at the lab figured out that since crusty folk music got these people into comas, the opposite should get them out. We blasted avant-garde experimental jazz to our patients and after a few minutes, lo and behold, they woke up.”
The Times will update our readers on the Banjoman as the story unfolds.
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