Unusual Teaching Methods At Chiptooth Kindergarten

The school known for its off-kilter approaches to early childhood education has been criticized yet again for a controversial component of their curriculum -- this time, for “Brain Baths”, techniques designed to transfer knowledge through direct brain-to-brain contact.

For two weeks during each year, scholars visit the school accompanied by an experienced surgeon. The surgeon removes the tops of students and visiting scholars’ skulls, and proceeds to pour brain fluid from the visiting school into students’ skulls. All subjects are given hefty doses of anesthesia and are mostly limp during the process. After a period of marination, the fluid is returned to the visiting scholars’ skull, and then everyone’s heads are stitched back together.

“We also call it ‘Brain Cuddling’,” said Mrs. Porter, head teacher at the school. “It is a form of knowledge transfer by osmosis, and it’s the reason why we’ve been able to teach students three years worth of content in just a few months.”

When asked of the criticism that the school has received for this technique, Mrs. Porter encouraged disparagers to “look at the data” and see for themselves the high profile global community of alumni that Chiptooth has produced, including leaders of the Novelty Society, Crypto Philosopher ‘Eyebrows’ Perrywinkler, The Fake Sun Movement, and other large truth-seeking organizations around the world.

She also emphasized that knowledge transfer during brain baths is both observable and experimentally verifiable. “We have conducted controlled experiments on our children to determine with certainty that brain baths produce the most attuned students. For safety, we no longer remove brains completely, and instead opt to transfer brain fluid alone, except under specific circumstances that allow a higher bandwidth direct brain cuddling session.”

For more articles by Dernberger Spengleton, click here. To get in touch with this writer, email spengleton@surrealtimes.net.


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