"Force-field" Surrounds Isenberg Campus

The Purple Hermit,
Surreal Times Reporter

This is the Purple Hermit, making himself late for class with a stunning development on campus. An invisible barrier surrounding the Isenberg School of Management appears to be preventing students from attending their classes. As economics majors surround the barrier, testing it by tossing objects, Darrin Cho, the enigmatic “Overseer” who had been placed in charge of coordinating student safety, stood inside the barrier by the entrance to the building. “Going somewhere?” He twirled his cape and laughed. Cho would not respond to the yelling of students and staff blockaded outside the dome.

This reporter bends down to tie his shoe, and Over-Izen-B 1000%, the Macro-Economist Supreme, has landed on the street in a flurry of gravel when he looks up. “I have returned from my sabbatical to Io, where I pondered the intricacies of the global economy. Denying these students the training they need to become stronger economists! This is unforgivable! Prepare yourself!” It pointed directly at Cho.

Cho seemed unfazed. “Oh? I wasn’t expecting visitors. Ahahahaha! If you want your precious ‘school’ back, you’ll have to defeat me, dear boy. In an ‘Economic Showdown’!” Consecutive gasps emerged from the crowd of microeconomics majors, who began forming a circle around the two.

Izen-B crossed its arms. “First, I’ll call out my Producto the Long Runner! Go Producto, use Fixed Cost!” A green-tinted canine with a tail shaped like a dollar sign materialized in front of Izen-B, and charged Cho.

“Hmmm. Exactly what I expected you’d do. I activate Liquidation Force! That stops your move and takes away $6,000 of your ‘capital’, dear boy!” This reporter was quite confused. Luckily, a student wearing glasses explained it to him succinctly. “What? That move! Liquidation Force! When it is used, it negates the opponent’s move and damages the opponent for $6,000 of capital. What a strategy!” Now that this reporter fully understood the gravity of this move, he was blown away, and so was Izen-B, who was knocked backwards into a tree despite not being touched by anything.

Cho went next. “It’s my turn. I’ll call out Red Supply Mage and Blue Demand Knight! But that’s not all. I’ll now fuse them together to create Violet Equilibrium Champion! Crush his Producto!” As the purple-armored warrior swung its sword at thin air, Izen-B, who had just gotten back up, was knocked into the same tree again. At same that moment, a pigeon passing overhead shed a feather, which landed in front of Cho’s nose. Cho, who was allergic to pigeon feathers, began sneezing violently.

Izen-B began shouting aloud to no one in particular, but this reporter hopes it was talking to him. “What can I do? It seems so hopeless...but I can’t let my friends down! They’re counting on me! Now’s my chance! It’s my turn!” Izen-B posed dramatically. “I’ll use Speculation to bring my Producto back to the field! Now it’ll use Fixed Cost on your Equilibrium Champion once again!” The verdant doggy materialized in front of Izen-B once more.

“Hahaha! Have you forgotten! My ‘Champion’ is much stronger than your pathetic Producto.” The green canine tackled the purple warrior, and the Equilibrium Champion bent over, collapsed. “What? This is impossible! How?” Cho shouted, as his capital counter dropped to -$1,000,000.

“While you were distracted sneezing, I managed to use Elasticity to turn your Champion into rubber more elastic than the modern airline industry! So looks like you have no capital left, and this showdown is finished! It’s time for a Penalty Game!”

“OH NOOOOOO!” Cho screamed in pain as Izen-B gave him an atomic wedgie. “Let that be a lesson for those who prey on economists! I return to Io now. Izen-lings, strive for glory at the top!” Izen-B shouted triumphantly, and vanished. Cho hobbled away, embarrassed, as students leaning on the barrier fell over, and micro-econ majors could once again enter the building they called their own.

At the time of writing, the stock price of Ipsum Pharmaceuticals has gone from $247.63 a share to a mere $19.99, which analysts say is most likely tied to the release of a cell phone video showing Cho being humiliated in high definition. Maybe this reporter should have been a business student like his parents kept telling him to, after all. This is the Purple Hermit, signing off.

For more articles by The Purple Hermit, click here. To get in touch with this writer, email purple.hermit@surrealtimes.net.

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