“Happy App” Bug Gone Wild
Penis prosthetics started as a way to enliven middle-aged sexuality. However, it didn’t take long before perfectly healthy young folks and people of all kinds began using technology to get better in bed even if they weren’t fine in the first place. One thing led to another and Bluetooth-controlled inflatable penis prosthetics have become the norm for college-aged males.
One woman in her mid-20s remarked, “I’m almost disappointed when I bring a guy home and it turns out he’s natural. I’m living a busy life and a plain ‘natural’ man isn’t worth my time.”
This Happy App allows men to control thickness, length, hardness, smell, color, and other attributes from their cell phones. In the app’s control panel, they can also invite their sexual partners to take control of their penis settings for extra fire in the bedroom.
Since its invention, much great sex has been had.
“I almost gave up on sex in 2019, said another customer. “Every time, it was just never what I had hoped. But now, consistency baby! Everyone's feeling good! I admit, some of the guys don’t like that surgery has become the norm, but they like being able to keep it up!”
This innovative technology has led to a new era of bedroom fun. Unfortunately, this month, a security flaw led to exploits all over the world. First, it was the president who, mid-press conference, had his crotch hacked by Russian operatives. They took control and made it spin wildly, unzip itself out of his pants, reach up and slap him in the face, knocking him unconscious. Our orange leader was carried off by his loyal supporters toward the hospital, but unfortunately, the Russians took control of these supporters’ penises as well. In just moments, the president was being beaten by the crotches of his most patriotic underlings.
Similar Happy App exploits have occurred elsewhere as well. In another case, a crowded elevator on Wall Street was suddenly crammed when all inhabitants grew 3-foot long erections. The 8 men in the elevator became cocktangled and were unable to exit the elevator until 4 hours later when one man sacrificed his penis via hacksaw in order to free the group. A lawsuit is in order, and there are no suspects.
Nobody is safe from this monumental security hack. With crotches on the network, everyone is vulnerable. Your dad. Your teacher. Your mailman. The world is paralyzed because of it. People are afraid to leave their houses because they know that embarrassment may lie behind any corner. Nobody wants to have meetings, concerts, congressional hearings. Nothing, nobody is safe.
All we can hope for is some kind of security fix, or a way to reverse blue-tooth controlled penile implants. Unfortunately, doctors say that they had not planned for people wanting to remove their newfound bedroom godliness.
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