Sandcastle Sex Dolls Deemed Unhealthy
[Artist’s depiction of these beligerents by Sawyer Philips @doodlesbysawyer]VENICE, California —Sex is hard to come by during a pandemic. I can attest to that myself (sadly). But, a new coping mechanism is emerging. The inspiration of it all, a man was seen last Sunday sculpting his dream woman out of the sand on the beach. He portrayed every nuance of her naked body in extreme detail. He even gave her seaweed for lips, seashells for eyes, pearls for nipples. Hours later, once she had taken full voluptuous form, he stripped naked and made sandy love to her as the sunset over the Santa Monica Mountains.
“It felt incredible,” said the man. “More satisfying than ever, thanks to the friction. Plus, I get to sculpt a new girl every day, and I can make her look however I want. Big butt, small butt, no butt, five butts. Anything goes!”
This man was reported to the police for indecent exposure. However, rather than arresting this man, our officers realized the goldmine of an idea he had come up with. Many officers tossed their badges into the ocean and began sculpting dream lovers of their own. Parents at the beach told their kids to go home but would stick around themselves out of curiosity. By the peak sunset, nearly two dozen uniformed police officers were pouring all they had into a sandcastle orgy along with beach bums and surfer bros doing the same thing. Nobody was watching the watchers… (Well… in a way, some were).
The diversity of approaches to sandy sex was astounding. Some folks sculpted average-looking lovers. Some seemed to supermodels. Some enjoy characterized sex doll-like sand-lovers. Some tag team, while others prefer keeping their sand to themselves.
My favorite sighting was two partners who, instead of getting with each other, sculpted sandcastle lovers for one another to sleep with.”
“We can’t do it with each other, because I live with my mom and she is vulnerable to covid, and Andy is an essential worker exposed to many people every day. We haven’t had sex in months. Today on the beach was the closest we’ve felt in a long time when we looked into each other's eyes while riding each other’s sand-sculpted creations.”
Unfortunately, the fun and games had a cost. Eighteen ambulances were required that night, because as it turns out, sand in and around one’s genital gizmos is no recipe for success. And worse so, the beach is infested with a different kind of crabs than the usual kind you would worry about at an orgy of this scale.
The official recommendation of the police department is that citizens do not engage in sexual intercourse with sandcastles. However, we have not yet seen anyone enforce this rule.
POST A COMMENT
See Also
Want to read more news? Click here for a random article.