Ant Coordinator Resigns Post
A century ago, the town of Amherst appointed its first ever Ant Coordinator. This was during a time of reconstruction of the downtown area. Among other tasks, the town worked to replace a 7-way, lightless, signless roadway intersection with a more organized double roundabout system. They aimed to coordinate humans and even insects, in addition to the horses and carriages, in order to conjure a quick-paced metropolitan feel that would allow business and culture to thrive.
Ever since the Ant Coordinated was appointed, the town has harnessed the power of insects for productivity and amusement. From mail delivery to traffic direction, to live music, ants colonies have been engineered for our benefit. It has taken a series of clever and hard-working ant coordinators to make this work, but seemingly the need for human input has vanished.
Diddly Hopscotch served as Ant Coordinator from 2007 to 2019. He resigned this month, stating that his job had become obsolete. “I have conflicting feelings,” he explained, “It is the most wonderful sight I have ever seen, how the ants have learned to coordinate themselves. But, at the same time, their ascent to self-sufficiency has undermined my job. My insect followers have learned to lead themselves. Today, they clean up human trash by themselves. They carry bits of fertilizer to individual blades of grass. They choreograph dances! They do things I could have never thought of, let alone taught them to do. They even teach their young, somehow, so they are totally sustainable.”
Mr. Hopscotch recommended that the town dissolves the post of Ant Coordinator, since it is no longer needed.
As always, Peripherally go the winds of progress…
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