Anti-Clown Attacks in Amherst

Dernberger Spengleton,
Tender to the Conveyor

[Artist's depiction by @doodlesbysawyer]

Last month, The Surreal Times debuted a new weather column hosted by Bozo the Clown. It was a big hit! Our readers thanked us for filling a giant hole in the surrealist meteorology industry. Unfortunately, not everyone approved of this new program.

Our beloved artist, Sawyer Philips (@doodlesbysawyer on Instagram) spoke out against Bozo, claiming that clowns are wolves in sheep’s clothing and that, by hosting Bozo, the Surreal Times is giving "Bozo the wolf" a chance to prey on gullible readers. When we ignored Sawyer’s demand that we fire Bozo, he turned to his inner circle to gather a core group of Anti-clown rebels. This group went to the internet, posting criticism of The Surreal Times and Bozo the Clown. They garnered support alarmingly quickly.

The Times opted to ignore Sawyer and his scheming crew. We figured they would use up their energy and lose interest before too long.

We were wrong. Their energy never died out. Before we ever saw it coming, Sawyer's group channeled satan to launch a brutal attack on Bozo.

As the sun was rising, a pitchfork-wielding mob surrounded Bozo’s hut. Bozo threw baloon animals out the window like artillary, but it was of no use. Sawyer's batallion flipped Bozo's clown car upside down as he cowered inside. They dragged Bozo out of his house and told him that nobody would get hurt under two conditions:

  1. He never reports for The Surreal Times ever again.
  2. He surrenders his clown nose immediately.

Bozo tried to escape. More animal balloons, confetti, and all sorts of gizmos fell from his pocket as he tried to get away. He tried to trick them into thinking he was a decoy, and that the real Bozo was already a mile down the street, but they didn't believe him. Sawyer, having some clown genes himself, had no trouble seeing through Bozo's tricks.

While his minions held Bozo to the ground, Sawyer himself stole the red nose from Bozo's face.

"Never talk about weather in my town again," Sawyer said. And then he left the Bozo crying by himself on his own front lawn. <

Bozo has not showed up to work at Surreal Times HQ since. He has been seen walking circles around his back yard, wearing plain human cloths and with deep sadness on his face. The clown, who is indeed a human inside, is clearly scared in wake of this attack.

The Surreal Times council will be meeting next week to decide how to react to these events.

For more articles by Dernberger Spengleton, click here. To get in touch with this writer, email spengleton@surrealtimes.net.

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