Baron of Bullets: I Have The Ultimate Weapon

By Marcus Van Door, “The Baron of Bullets”.

Friends. The Times has graciously offered me a column to spread my good news. Recently, I discovered the Fountain of Youth. I have also come into possession of the Spear of Destiny, the spear which pierced the side of Jesus Christ as he died on the cross. The exact details of my mutual arrangement with the auction house from which it was procured are unimportant.

Through the fusion of these two artifacts I have created what I call “The Spear of Love.” The slightest nick, the smallest cut, the subtlest laceration from the Spear induces a state of manic love. Sappy, all encompassing love, universal brotherhood and sisterhood for every living thing, euphoric compassion, overwhelming infatuation. Naturally, as the owner of the Spear, I take precautions to avoid this state myself.

Applications of the Spear are numerous. Politics, banking, foreign relations. Ending wars. I intend to use the Spear for good, and I will provide updates in this paper as I do so.

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