Blue Alien Petting Zoo Coming To Amherst

Charlie Tomquat,
Market Spokesperson

I am so excited to announce that the upcoming intergalactic farmer’s market, hosted at my house near Puffer’s Pond, will be home to a new exhibit full of wonder and amazement. This exhibit entails a number of blue creatures from a planet far far away. They come in various shapes and sizes, and with a magnificent variety of personality and prowess. The common ground tying them all together is their blue color and the texture of their torsos which resembles human fingerprints. They are amazing in ways I can’t describe! But, I won’t spoil the fun for you — come see them in person and learn for yourselves their rich history and culture.

Come say hello to Shemwink, the walking enigma who is naturally carnivorous yet extremely empathic! He possesses 7 exterior hearts, not accounting for the interior ones. His one eye is at the end of his wiggly tail, and he has a convex butthole on his face! Instead of feet or legs, he uses an array of scillia for transport and feeling. On top of all this, he is immune to lupus!


Come say hello to Monglastra, but don’t get too close because this creature is so fantastic that it produces an entire subordinate ecosystem in its immediate vicinity. What appears to be its arms are actually enormous mouths, so don’t make him yell! Or else he’ll break your eardrums. He also might absorb you through his feet! That’s right, because it consumes food through absorption. Did I forget to mention that he’s 45 feet tall and cannot die unless killed? Molgastra is astounding to watch. Unfortunately, he feels nothing and creates destruction without knowing it while rampaging around in an unstoppable trance state. Curiously, many creatures have learned to live symbiotically with this lovely monstrosity.


The cosmic couple! Some say they were joined at the lips at birth. Some say they made love and were connected forever. Either way, they collect dust balls on their rear ends from fighting sentimentally and also by filter-feeding through their asses.


And here are these final two strange creatures.

God, Agent of Chaos, a hovering filter feeder. See its gaseous face, stringy tail, all covered in Hot Dogs.


And its twin: Earth Cow, Agent of Order, Bound to eat the earthly grass. Notice his flat face, hand-tail and the lack any of hotdogs.


Oh goodness, I have been feeling wonderful lately. Everything is falling into place. My various friends at the market are thriving. it is such a pleasure to watch them build a home for themselves, and better, an intergalactic cultural hub! Dorf would be proud!

For more articles by Charlie Tomquat, click here. To get in touch with this writer, email tomcat.charlie@surrealtimes.net.

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