Community Classifieds

The Editors,
Times Staff

To post a listing or get in touch with sellers or
employers, contact
A 2% fee will be taken upon transaction.

FOR SALE: Tumble weeds laced with hydrochloric acid and adrenochrome. Not recommended for vertebrate consumption.

WANTED: River Water. As much as you can carry without tools. I need water from the nearest river, or many near rivers, brought to me by hand. Only by hand. You mustn't spill a drop, you mustn't let it freeze. Grab some, bring it here. I have gifts and knowledge to trade but first I must fill the fountain.

FOR SALE: Cookies! Inquire at the nearest doorstep.

SEEKING TRADES: I have the following: An Old Hat (with or without a story); A Song (written or sung, but certainly not both; Seven Leaves fallen naturally from far off trees; An Old Pencil, I never chewed it. Will trade for stories, tuneless humming, or a dream I had last week.

FOR SALE: Poorly functioning brain. Had some good times with this brain, but frankly it has some serious structural problems, namely the enlarged ventricles. I’ll be moving to a new brain shortly. If you’re looking for replacement parts for your brain, look no further!

WANTED: Eight-tubed conjoined condom capable of 8-directional protection. Must remain attached and effective in water.

WANTED: Bass player, must remain quiet and not speak. Also must remain unplugged. Also must be named Jared and like the band The Beatles.

For Sale: Double-Headed Pantomime Horse

FOR SALE: OMNISCIENT TOASTER - has the ability to speak, will try to convince you to invest in gold. Has a British accent.

Help Wanted: Roofer - $18/hour - Must have a giant hand for a head

FOR SALE: A potpouri of throwup from different continents. Extremely fertile and capable of growing crops on any surface, organic or otherwise.

WANTED: The heaviest incest on earth

WANTED: Mind Reader who Is Good At Fighting.

FOR SALE: Bonkers, that little crackhead goldfish from the 5th dimension.

TRADE WANTED: Assorted Baby Doll Parts in exchange for cuddles.

WANTED: More lengthy small intestine. Needed for daily use.

HIRING: Professional wanderer. Email

WANTED: The Blockbuster franchise to come back. I miss going there on Friday nights and buying a box of Mike and Ike's and kicking back and watching a VHS tape in a dark room with a box of writhing wigglers.

MAN SEEKING WOMAN: I'm obligated by law to inform you I do own a copy of Infinite Jest.

NEEDED: Eyebrow sauce.

NEEDED: A third political party in America with a chance of winning.

WANTED: Soft and cuddly fascism.

FOR SALE:Haunted bidet.

WANTED: Nice young man I can talk about the Civil War with. Must be at least 5”9’ and have nice teeth. (No fatties).

WANTED: Grapes equipped with mouth-targeting guidance systems.

FOR SALE: Methadone Gummy Bears, Half Melted, pre licked

WANTED: Largest turtle.

WANTED: Breast pump for males.

Needed: A sequence of auditory sounds which will bring tears to my wrinkly eyes.

WANTED: Victrola cones for broadcasting sonic disruption waves to finally get some sleep

HIRING: Four of each of the colors of the rainbow. Each must bring its own tools and duct tape.

Wanted: The other half of James Joyce's bitch.

WANTED:A psychic blender. My thoughts are too coherent. Please finish me.

WANTED:Friends. All of my friends have been revealed to be machinations of my own imagination, so I am in the market for some real ones. For the initial meeting, I can pay for pizza.

HIRING: Investment banker with fingerless gloves.

WANTED: A large false moustache for a bank robbery. Only accepting styles ranging from 1890-1926.

WANTED: Cult members. Warning: It's a cult. Don't say I didn't warn you. email me:

Wanted: That shyly humming gnome who lives in the center of a peanut M&M.

Hiring: Unprofessional Writer, Must be Disorganized and Disheveled.

For Lease: The vacant crevice in my heart.

WANTED: Numerous elegant cadavers from families of oligarchs. Must be dressed well and be marinated in caviar.

WANTED:Vampire Alberta. We met at a club and I think you gave me the wrong number. It keeps referring me to an underground nightclub whose address is Hell. I really thought we hit it off, if you see this, call me. 506-555-6669

For Sale: 1/4th of my soul. Fair warning, it’s the portion that’s kind of insufferable.


WANTED: Spray On Insect Attractant.

Needed: A Gallon of Mustard Water with a painted fingernail floating in it, and no questions.

HIRING: Professional wanderer. Email

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