Community Classifieds
To post a listing or get in touch with sellers or
employers, contact classifieds@surrealtimes.net.
A 2% fee will be taken upon transaction.
FOR SALE: Tumble weeds laced with hydrochloric acid and adrenochrome. Not recommended for vertebrate consumption.
WANTED: River Water. As much as you can carry without tools. I need water from the nearest river, or many near rivers, brought to me by hand. Only by hand. You mustn't spill a drop, you mustn't let it freeze. Grab some, bring it here. I have gifts and knowledge to trade but first I must fill the fountain.
FOR SALE: Cookies! Inquire at the nearest doorstep.
SEEKING TRADES: I have the following: An Old Hat (with or without a story); A Song (written or sung, but certainly not both; Seven Leaves fallen naturally from far off trees; An Old Pencil, I never chewed it. Will trade for stories, tuneless humming, or a dream I had last week.
FOR SALE: Poorly functioning brain. Had some good times with this brain, but frankly it has some serious structural problems, namely the enlarged ventricles. I’ll be moving to a new brain shortly. If you’re looking for replacement parts for your brain, look no further!
WANTED: Eight-tubed conjoined condom capable of 8-directional protection. Must remain attached and effective in water.
WANTED: Bass player, must remain quiet and not speak. Also must remain unplugged. Also must be named Jared and like the band The Beatles.
For Sale: Double-Headed Pantomime Horse
FOR SALE: OMNISCIENT TOASTER - has the ability to speak, will try to convince you to invest in gold. Has a British accent.
Help Wanted: Roofer - $18/hour - Must have a giant hand for a head
FOR SALE: A potpouri of throwup from different continents. Extremely fertile and capable of growing crops on any surface, organic or otherwise.
WANTED: The heaviest incest on earth
WANTED: Mind Reader who Is Good At Fighting.
FOR SALE: Bonkers, that little crackhead goldfish from the 5th dimension.
TRADE WANTED: Assorted Baby Doll Parts in exchange for cuddles.
WANTED: More lengthy small intestine. Needed for daily use.
HIRING: Professional wanderer. Email recruiting@surrealtimes.net.
WANTED: The Blockbuster franchise to come back. I miss going there on Friday nights and buying a box of Mike and Ike's and kicking back and watching a VHS tape in a dark room with a box of writhing wigglers.
MAN SEEKING WOMAN: I'm obligated by law to inform you I do own a copy of Infinite Jest.
NEEDED: Eyebrow sauce.
NEEDED: A third political party in America with a chance of winning.
WANTED: Soft and cuddly fascism.
FOR SALE:Haunted bidet.
WANTED: Nice young man I can talk about the Civil War with. Must be at least 5”9’ and have nice teeth. (No fatties).
WANTED: Grapes equipped with mouth-targeting guidance systems.
FOR SALE: Methadone Gummy Bears, Half Melted, pre licked
WANTED: Largest turtle.
WANTED: Breast pump for males.
Needed: A sequence of auditory sounds which will bring tears to my wrinkly eyes.
WANTED: Victrola cones for broadcasting sonic disruption waves to finally get some sleep
HIRING: Four of each of the colors of the rainbow. Each must bring its own tools and duct tape.
Wanted: The other half of James Joyce's bitch.
WANTED:A psychic blender. My thoughts are too coherent. Please finish me.
WANTED:Friends. All of my friends have been revealed to be machinations of my own imagination, so I am in the market for some real ones. For the initial meeting, I can pay for pizza.
HIRING: Investment banker with fingerless gloves.
WANTED: A large false moustache for a bank robbery. Only accepting styles ranging from 1890-1926.
WANTED: Cult members. Warning: It's a cult. Don't say I didn't warn you. email me: vivian.mauve@surrealtimes.net
Wanted: That shyly humming gnome who lives in the center of a peanut M&M.
Hiring: Unprofessional Writer, Must be Disorganized and Disheveled.
For Lease: The vacant crevice in my heart.
WANTED: Numerous elegant cadavers from families of oligarchs. Must be dressed well and be marinated in caviar.
WANTED:Vampire Alberta. We met at a club and I think you gave me the wrong number. It keeps referring me to an underground nightclub whose address is Hell. I really thought we hit it off, if you see this, call me. 506-555-6669
For Sale: 1/4th of my soul. Fair warning, it’s the portion that’s kind of insufferable.
Help WanteSHIT HELP
WANTED: Spray On Insect Attractant.
Needed: A Gallon of Mustard Water with a painted fingernail floating in it, and no questions.
HIRING: Professional wanderer. Email recruiting@surrealtimes.net.
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