Butterfield Hall Uninhabitable Due To Noise Moth Infestation

William (Bill) Gumby,
UMass Facilities Manager

The noise moth infestation is worsening by the day in Butterfield Hall. For a while it seemed we had it in check. We putting radios in the basement to play loud music 24/7, in order to attract the noise moths to one place. We thought we had quarantined them. We in some ways did. However, it seems that, by playing the music and gathering the moths into one tight proximity, we encouraged mass reproduction. Now the entire building is infested.

We evacuated the students from all four floors. And, even though we now know how the radio causes the noise moths to make babies like wild, we still put radios on the other floors of Butterfield hall. This is because, without the distraction, the moths would eat away at the window sills using their razor sharp teeth. They would eventually escape and prey on innocent people outside.

The situation is unstable. For a few weeks, probably, the moths will continue their music-fueled orgy. We are trying to reinforce the windows and cover the eves, but the building is old and has many crevices. The noise moths will escape soon if we do nothing. Also it is only a matter of time before the radio batteries die, or before the stations we left the radios set on play a song the moths are unfond of. We don’t even know what music they like. We set the radios to college radio WMUA 91.1 FM and asked the student DJs to play loud, complicated music, which seems to work well enough to corral the moths. We told the DJs it was important, but I don’t know how long they will listen to us or whether what we are telling them is valid information in the first place.

Really, I am not qualified for this. My employees aren’t either. But neither the university or the town can find anyone who is qualified. So, what the heck? We’ll keep at it until some better ideas come along. We’re going to need some bandages.

For more articles by William (Bill) Gumby, click here. To get in touch with this writer, email gumby.william@surrealtimes.net.

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