Chimp Joe Leaves Jail Under Care of Lover

Released on the condition of her care

Clarence Mon,
Director of the PIA

Chimpanzee Joe is a well-known and respected journalist for The Surreal Times newspaper. As the only non-human vertebrate member of the news team, he provides an important perspective unavailable by anyone else. By reading his articles, one can tell that Joe is a smart, thoughtful individual.

However, his recent actions involving consumption of psychoactive noise moths brings attention to his other, more negative qualities of cynicism, self-loathing belligerence, and proneness to addiction. Chimp Joe’s reputation is as a stand-up chimp. However, UMass PD has been forced to keep him in a holding cell because of fear that, if given freedom, he might return to Butterfield Hall to continue eating noise moths. If he were to do so, he would risk not only his own life (due to the neurological effects of the noise moths) but also the lives of the rest of the UMass student body. Any trespassing at Butterfield Hall, let alone trespassing by an intoxicated person, would raise the possibility of the saw-toothed moths escaping.

Chimp Joe was being held in the sober cell until today when a mysterious feminine figure visited UMass PD wearing a cloak that covered her face in shadow. She claimed to be Chimp Joe’s long lost lover named “Charlotte”. She said they had met years ago while she had been smoking a cigarette in the woods outside of the convenience store where she had been employed. The two of them immediately hit it off. Eventually, after countless cigarettes over good conversation, he asked her to go steady with him.

“Do you remember,” she asked, “how I would sleep in the woods with you sometimes, just because you preferred nature over my bed?”

Chimp Joe looked confused. He didn’t seem to remember her at all.

Charlotte, continued, “Aw, your memory must be shot after all these years. You look exhausted. After I was fired from Hairy’s General, I stormed off for a few days. And when I came back to find you, you were gone. Even when I did the monkey dance you taught me, and the whistle you always liked, you never came to me. I gave up searching after a few years, but found you through your writings for The Surreal Times, which are absolutely fascinating and ever clever!”

While Sergeant Tom Johnson glared interrogatively, Charlotte winked at Chimp Joe. From that point on, he all of the sudden he acted as though he remembered her (although still in monotone).

“Charlotte, yes, my one and only human friend. The only one who understands me...”

“Yes!” Charlotte cried tears of joy and rushed to embrace limp Chimp Joe.

Joe was hesitant at first and relieved when Sergeant Tom Johnson separated them.

“You must let me take him home,” Charlotte said. “You must take my monkey man home, officer.”

Chimp Joe was obviously irritated. He reached into the rear of his pants, tensed up, and threw a piece of brown fecal matter at Charlotte’s head. It smeared her cheek and fell to the floor. She coughed and gagged. She wiped her face with her cloak. While Tom Johnson retrained Joe and pulled him towards his cell, Joe shouted, “Better monkey than human!”

Sergeant Tom Johnson said, “That’s it, Joe, you’re going to be locked up for a long time now.” Then he turned to Charlotte and said, “I’m sorry, Ma’am. He’s the worst of both worlds, the manners of a chimp and mouth of a human.”

But Charlotte was fanatically picking up pieces of Joe’s feces, carefully placing them in a plastic bag along with many envelopes and pieces of hair which she apparently had already collected. She kissed the bag and zipped it into her fanny pack before confronting Sergeant Johnson’s jaw-dropped complexion.

“I’ve been looking for him for years,” she said with importance in her tone. “You absolutely must let me take him home.”

“He is not well. He is a noise moth addict and a decrepit, shit-slinging one at that.”

“It’s okay. I know him well. I know his ways and how to care for him. I will help him get better. I have a comfortable, stable home away from all of this chaos. He and I will catch up on old times and get healthy again.”

“Okay, but does he want to go with you?”

After some thought, Joe said in a monotone, “Yes, I want to go with her.”

After some deliberation and paperwork, Sergeant Tom Johnson allowed Charlotte to put Joe into her station wagon. The two drove into the sunset, Joe bumming cigarettes off of Charlotte, and Charlotte telling him how wonderful and clever she thinks his writings have been.

For more articles by Clarence Mon, click here. To get in touch with this writer, email cmon@surrealtimes.net.

POST A COMMENT

See Also

Want to read more news? Click here for a random article.