Hooded Woman Dies in Butterfield Dorm

Chimp Joe No Longer Cared For

Tom Johnson,
Sergeant, UMass PD

The facilities manager at UMass, Bill Gumby, was going about his usual day, tending to the buildings in Central Residential Area, when he smelt something fishy. He looked up to the sight of a million fierce-toothed noise moths blind and hungry. They had escaped Butterfield Hall, where they’d previously been contained. They were attacking and viciously eating the vocal cords out of people’s throats. Mr. Gumby ran like heck and hasn’t been seen on campus since. He reportedly urinated in the Chancellor's mailbox on his way out.

In the wake of his departure, HAZMAT units were called to the scene of Butterfield Hall. They found a window that had been left three inches open, kept that way by a cup of chewing tobacco spit having been left on the sill.

They also found a hooded woman slouched in the corner of the basement, bleeding from her mouth, unable to speak, and nearly dead. She pointed to a picture of a monkey in her wallet, and she pointed to a plastic bag in which she had captured a few noise moths.

This was Charlotte, the woman who committed to caring for Chimpanzee Joe when he was released from jail after his noise moth binge. What she was trying to explain was unclear.

Unfortunately, she died moments later, out of shock when a swarm found their way into the front door.

We are left wondering what to do about so many noise moths being on the loose, and also wondering where Chimp Joe might be, and if he is safe and behaved in these dire times. We hope he can resist relapsing on psychedelic noise moths on his own accord.

For more articles by Tom Johnson, click here. To get in touch with this writer, email tjohnson@surrealtimes.net.

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