Community Classifieds

The Editors,
Times Staff
[Artist's depiction by the Phantom Framer]

FOR SALE BY OWNER: LEFT HALF OF SINGLE-PERSON TENT IN WOODS. Beautiful spot on mountaintop. Love having the space to myself, but need money for banjo lessons. $500 cash for the half. I will live in the right half. Trades accepted as well.

WANTED: The meaning of Finnegan's Wake by James Joyce. I have a large trust fund which I will donate the entire amount to you if you can tell me.

FOR SALE: Tumble weeds laced with hydrochloric acid and adrenochrome. Not recommended for vertebrate consumption.

WANTED: River Water. As much as you can carry without tools. I need water from the nearest river, or many near rivers, brought to me by hand. Only by hand. You mustn't spill a drop, you mustn't let it freeze. Grab some, bring it here. I have gifts and knowledge to trade but first I must fill the fountain.

FOR SALE: Cookies! Inquire at the nearest doorstep.

SEEKING TRADES: I have the following: An Old Hat (with or without a story); A Song (written or sung, but certainly not both; Seven Leaves fallen naturally from far off trees; An Old Pencil, I never chewed it. Will trade for stories, tuneless humming, or a dream I had last week.


FOR SALE: Poorly functioning brain. Had some good times with this brain, but frankly it has some serious structural problems, namely the enlarged ventricles. I’ll be moving to a new brain shortly. If you’re looking for replacement parts for your brain, look no further!

WANTED: Eight-tubed conjoined condom capable of 8-directional protection. Must remain attached and effective in water.

WANTED: Writhing Wiggler, if you have it you know what it is, please don't ask, its personal.

FOR SALE: 28 piles of snape grass, useful in prayer potions. 10gp each.

WANTED: Bass player, must remain quiet and not speak. Also must remain unplugged. Also must be named Jared and like the band The Beatles.

FOR SALE: OMNISCIENT TOASTER - has the ability to speak, will try to convince you to invest in gold. Has a British accent.

FOR SALE: A lock of Gregory Mortensons hair, that name may not mean anything to you, but it means a lot to me.

WANTED: JOSH BROSLIN. If you know him, bring him to me. I live in a Friendly’s.

WANTED: The Blockbuster franchise to come back. I miss going there on Friday nights and buying a box of Mike and Ike's and kicking back and watching a VHS tape in a dark room with a box of writhing wigglers.

NEEDED:My next months rent. I will do anything that doesn't involve penetration.

NEEDED: Manfriend, i'm sick of all these boys. Show me what you got.

FOR SALE:Haunted bidet.

WANTED: nice young man I can talk about the Civil War with. Must be at least 5”9’ and have nice teeth. (No fatties).

WANTED: Largest turtle.

WANTED: WANTED: VHS copy of “Pizza Butt” starring Jonathon Taylor Thomas. Does anyone still remember this movie? I used to watch it all the time with my grandma. It also has Full House actor John Stamos. I believe it was outlawed in Nebraska. If anyone has any information about this movie, please let me know. We can watch it together. Bring plenty of garlic bread

WANTED: Victrola cones for broadcasting sonic disruption waves to finally get some sleep

FOR SALE: Sonic Wave generators, great for staying awake.

WANTED:A psychic blender. My thoughts are too coherent. Please finish me.

WANTED:Friends. All of my friends have been revealed to be machinations of my own imagination, so I am in the market for some real ones. For the initial meeting, I can pay for pizza.

FOR SALE:Marijuana and other drugs that don't totally ruin your life. I'm not a cop. Please stop asking if im a cop.

WANTED: A large false moustache for a bank robbery. Only accepting styles ranging from 1890-1926.

WANTED: Cult members. Warning: It's a cult. Don't say I didn't warn you. email me:

WANTED: Numerous elegant cadavers from families of oligarchs. Must be dressed well and be marinated in caviar.

WANTED:Vampire Alberta. We met at a club and I think you gave me the wrong number. It keeps referring me to an underground nightclub whose address is Hell. I really thought we hit it off, if you see this, call me. 506-555-6669

NEEDED: A muse to chip away at my writers block. Taking both men and women. It is necessary that you have a significant interest in the musician Arthur Russell and are familiar with his 1986 album "World of Echo."

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[Doug@Feb.09 8:48pm]: I want a discount


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