Community Classifieds

The Editors,
Times Staff

To post a listing or get in touch with sellers or
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BY APPOINTMENT: Reverse lobotomies.

WANTED: Three (3) mudproof harpoons. Speargun accepted but not preferred.

MISSED CONNECTION: A Puddle of Mud off Main Street. Last Thursday. I was walking down the sidewalk concentrating on my coffee and keeping the rain off my face. You smiled at me as you waved and slipped beneath the surface, the mud closing over your radiant eyes. I waited around a while, but you never came back.

FOR SALE: VHS Copy of “Pizza Butt.” Yeah, this movie is awful. Does not have John Stamos. The garlic bread was shit. My friend is in jail in Nebraska. Please just take it off my hands.

FOR SALE: Screaming book.

SINGLE MALE, BLIND, Looking for Someone to Watch Porn With Who Will Explain What is Happening On Screen

WANTED: Time machine. You know when you are.

WANTED: Undisputed evidence that the moon landing was faked.

HIRING: Man with rotten arm. Mustn't be detached or soon-to-be-detached.

FOR SALE: Lard bucket.

WANTED: Decaffeinated Gasoline, safe to drink, preferably unopened.

HELP ME: I can’t stop peeing

HELP ME: A man won't stop peeing on me

WANTED: Non-Functional Time Machine. Don't worry, I will use my functional time machine to go back to when yours worked.

HELP ME: A man won't stop peeing on me

WANTED: The Orginal Edward Fortyhands

NEEDED: A baggie of monkey teeth, unflossed, and forty pounds of Big Chew BubbleGum.

WANTED: The Orginal Edward Fortyhands

WANTED: Half a dozen Zach Braff lookalikes who don't mind getting naked.

FOR SALE: Several Cats Glued Together.

I DEMAND: Who is the monkey with the wrong eyes?

LIMITED TIME ONLY: Therapeutic Human Centipede! 1 free "middle" with every two cabooses brought. "How else can you describe it but plain old wacky fun!" Fill up until your soul is done!

AN OFFER: Complimentary blankets with every stay at Bayview Psych Ward! You can draw on them with the pens they won't let you have, in hopes it might keep your dreams warm.

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