Community Classifieds

Management,

[To post a classified or respond to one, email classifieds@surrealtimes.net.]

YOU’LL NEVER SEE ME: Let me know and I'll never get close to you. I promise you'll never even Know I'm not there.

WANTED: An idea that drowned in my brain and is nearly un-revivable.

WANTED: Mind Reader who Is Good At Fighting.

FOR SALE: Bonkers, that little crackhead goldfish from the 5th dimension.

TRADE WANTED: Assorted Baby Doll Parts in exchange for cuddles.

FOR SALE: Box of chest hair and a glue stick.

WANTED: More lengthy small intestine. Needed for daily use.

FOR SALE: Four sails.

NEEDED: A baggie of monkey teeth, unflossed, and forty pounds of Big Chew BubbleGum

FOR RENT: Cozy bungalow in my armpit. $2,250 a month, No Smoking Please!

WANTED: Spray On Insect Attractant.

Wanted: To see snowflakes float upward behind the windows barred on the inside for my safety.

Needed: A Gallon of Mustard Water with a painted fingernail floating in it, and no questions.

WANTED: Altercation with my neighbor. Not fatal, but serious enough to rile me up.

For Sale: A piece of my baby blanket that smells like old fritos and feels like cold comfort.

HIRING: Four of each of the colors of the rainbow. Each must bring its own tools and duct tape.

WANTED: Grapes equipped with mouth-targeting guidance systems.

FOR SALE: Methadone Gummy Bears, Half Melted, pre licked

FOR SALE: Single Hair from Frank Zappa’s Mustache.

FOR SALE: Button that allows you to experience a brief but specific moment of time from the past. Various moments available, but only one permitted per person.

WANTED: Soft and cuddly fascism.

WANTED: The heaviest incest on earth

WANTED: A typewriter missing most of the keys, except for the letters F, A, I, L, U, R, and E. Oh, and also W.

FOR SALE: Vintage Henry Kissinger Action Figure (with Kung Fu Grip).

HIRING: Professional wanderer. Email recruiting@surrealtimes.net.

Wanted: That shyly humming gnome who lives in the center of a peanut M&M.

Hiring: Unprofessional Writer, Must be Disorganized and Disheveled. For Lease: The vacant crevice in my heart.

For more articles by Management, click here. To get in touch with this writer, email classifieds@surrealtimes.net.

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