Convert Me Daddy! This Could Be A One Buck Pantheon For You.

Anonymous,

1. Enlightenment In numbers: Recognize your fellow believers. If you have to cough in public, look to see if anyone else coughs too. If so, maintain eye contact for how long it takes for popcorn to pop in the microwave. If they walk away, smile, realizing that you now share an eternal love, unlike the others you've known.

2. Charity: Put the turtle down, accept that you're no longer friends either, and then feed that coin to it anyway. [If need be, you gotta choke dat turtle with dat coin, do it, it's about charity.]

3. Seek Favour: Block your ears and frantically dig holes in your neighbor's lawns searching in sweet delusion for that daughter of fossils. This will please Lord Combs.

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4. Seek Acceptance: Even as an adult, never leave a dentist without taking one of the prizes. And accept that you will quickly forget that you've lost a fractional part of you.

5. Seek Urgency: Relive your memories, relinquish your most precious ones, spit out the soup you stole, and prepare to forget the taste of their Cheese Breath Kiss.

6. Seek Wisdom: Obsessively read the patterns of the squirrels' movements in their favorite city parks. And examine with spiritual desperation the gnomes inside the nuts the squirrels eat.

7. Placating The Functionaries: Know what offerings to leave to the gods at your doorstep each night. I cannot share them here. For answers you must seek The Lost Nipple That Eats Hair.

8. The God you Imagine/Mockery: People can be cruel when they don't understand your beliefs. There's even an old woman who tosses raspberries at me and calls me a child. God wants you to recognize what you look like when you wear their painted faith taped over your broken face.

9. Question Everything: If you can figure out what makes the leather they wore sexy? Is it the tightness? The squeaky sound it makes? Or is it the fact that it came from a dead animal? Answer this and you will be closer to The New God.

10. The God you Fear: Face it, you'll never escape that desperate fondling through the vacuous absence of who you've lost. But, know that from now on Jeffery Combs will be there with you. Overtaking you, endlessly.

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For more articles by Anonymous, click here. To get in touch with this writer, email anonymous@surrealtimes.net.

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