Fire Breathing Lizards Hatch In Allston
Allston, Massachusetts -- The Public Defense Agency (PDA) issued a mandatory evacuation for Allston today due to an infestation of fire breathing lizards that recently hatched in the heating ducts of many old apartment buildings.
Allston residents first reported sightings of the lizards on October 2nd. “Oh my God this thing was huge,” Allston resident Emily Marks, 25 recalled during an interview on the talk show Wake-Up America last evening. “I was just sitting there drinking my wine and eating my dinner and I hear a cracking sound coming from the vent in my dining room. I assumed it was just the old floors or whatever. But then like ten minutes later, I hear something scratching at the vent. Before I could even get out of the house, sparks started flying out.”
The lizards hatched from eggs hidden in the heating ducts of most of Allston’s older apartment buildings. According to a public statement from the PDA, scientists believe that the eggs hatched due to the recent heatwave. “Most lizard species need to be incubated at around 90 degrees Fahrenheit to hatch,” said one of the PDA’s experts - Northeast University (not be confused with Northeastern University) biology professor Dr. Michael Johnson. “Many of Allston’s heating systems are so inefficient that the heating ducts never reach this temperature during the winter months when the heat is running. However, outside temperatures have peaked at 130, leading to internal temperatures well above 90 degrees.
Experts are still debating about whether the eggs were placed in the buildings at the time of their construction for safe-keeping or during recent renovations. In either case, the threat remains imminent. Dozens of lizards now roam the streets, eating trash and warming themselves on the sunlit pavement. If you see a lizard, do not approach it. Although they are currently only about three feet long and their fire-breathing systems are still developing, their teeth and claws are extremely sharp. Luckily, the lizards are easy to identify via the red spikes running down their backs and otherwise dark purple coloring.
City officials hope to capture all of the lizards before they ignite any buildings.
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