H-33 Explained

Eddie Octo,
Surreal Times Newsoctopus

Greetings Chums! Eddie Octo here, this time ready to explain the intriguing intricacies of H-33, a devious and dastardly, but not entirely unpleasant, chemical which has dominated headlines recently. I’ve gathered up a primer on the effects of H-33 in collaboration with our resident naturalist, Mini-P Petrinski, as well as the inestimable Dr. Richard Slovenko, an up and coming Surreal engineer. I’ve even thrown in in a dash of my own degree in Surreal Engineering. So “summon your gumption,” and let's dive in!

H-33 is a hydrogen-based chemical which, upon exposure to the skin, creeps up one’s nerves until it reaches the brain, more specifically and precisely the pineal gland. Oh yes friends, the most important of Glands! Indeed, the pineal gland is known as the “Seat of Surreality,” for even minor changes in it can increase the Surreal Field of the body and the brain.

After contacting this most prestigious and accomplished of Glands, the H-33 begins to mimic the effects of Surreality Exposure. And what are those effects, you might ask?

H-33 creates the typical effects of Surreality exposure: the enjoying of discordant music, the out of sync firing of both brain hemispheres, the tremors, the religiosity. In small doses, the effect can be pleasant. In excess it can be lethal.

But the effects of H-33 are well understood and easily suppressed. The treatment is a special flashlight which blinks hundreds of time per second. When one focuses their eyes on the flashlight, reality is restored for them.

There are many different frequencies which the flashlight can fire at, each with its own effects. The frequency used to control H-33 is called the “Three-Second-Frequency.” The Three-Second-Frequency provides 36 hours of stability, but the treatment is administered every morning to minimize risk. The patient can apply the treatment at home unassisted. When the Three-Second Frequency works properly, the patient will hear a loud metallic clang in their left ear. This signals that the frequency took.

Oddly, if the sufferer of H-33 exposure goes for several weeks without treatment, many of the negative side effects subside. While unstudied, first hand reports from researchers suggest the sufferer is then almost totally in the Real plane, but with a small presence in the Surreal plane.

In this reporters opinion, only vagabonds and layabouts invite surreality in for pleasure. This Newsoctopus hopes that the “UMass Five,” maintain their treatments regularly and enjoy symptom free lives.

For more articles by Eddie Octo, click here. To get in touch with this writer, email eddie.octo@surrealtimes.net.

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