Individual Protests Federeral Reserve

[Artist's depiction of these events by Sawyer Philips]

Protests formed affront the Neuron House in response to the decision by the Federal Reserve of Thoughts to lower the worldwide brain coefficient. An angry crowd gathered in the hours after the decision with not flames and pitchforks but with regular forks and spoons.

“You want our brains?” they chanted, “you can have them!” as they used these utensils to pull out their brains through their noses and throw them on the front stoop.

I spoke with one of the protesters after the fact, and they explained more about how the Federal Reserve of Thoughts exists only out of fear that someone, somewhere will have a thought that, through some butterfly effect, might wind up toppling The System. “And so the feds want to keep our thought rate low. But we’ve got them now. We’re throwing our thoughts right in their faces.”

“Wouldn’t that play into their game?” I asked.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, doesn’t removing your brain lower your thought rate?” I tried to clarify.

“Nah ma-man you don’t get it.”

Once the protesters hobbled away without enough brains to realize how brainless they looked, the feds came outside with night-vision goggles and collected the brains into jars. I didn’t dare approach.

For more articles by Dernberger Spengleton, click here. To get in touch with this writer, email


[The Internet@Mar.02 2:01am]:


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