Legal Question

Vladimir,
Inwriter

Dear, Steinhouse, Steinhouse & Steinhouse LLP

Legally speaking, what is the difference between kidnapping, and putting up someone else's child for adoption?

I try not to brand myself as an armchair philosopher. However, I do dabble in a bit of straight-jacketed lawyering. Lately, I haven't really been able to pursue it, as I'm kept busy taking care of Godot. The rest of my time is spent stuffing small things in the slightly larger things in my dog kennel, which is itself a smaller thing located inside McCray's Nasty Kid-Friendly Pond. But one evening I overheard a couple of my friends talking about how they were having trouble with their kid. Pretty sure he's been lying to them, and refusing to tattle tale on his friends. He's been making all sorts of nasty, like refusing to swallow his vegetables and just spitting them out and stacking them into a big vegetable pile, which they've begun to anthropomorphize. The vegetable pile has become quite a problem for the family as many of the livestock on their farm have begun to worship it.

To be clear, they are more acquaintances than friends, in so far that they are the closest family within a 12-mile radius to where I live. So I thought I'd reach out to the Surreal Times's chief legal defense team and ask them what options I have to help this family out?

Currently I'm still on probation for "defacement of public property." This being a really bureaucratic way of saying, I snuck into the local high school and erased all of the references to it's football team "The Pittsfield Jaguars." Instead replacing it with what I thought was a much better name for a football team "The Marsupials Riding on Slightly-Less Intelligent Marsupials'' And as someone who's found safety in mascoting, I also replaced all of the mascot costumes of "JukeBox Jaguar" with my hand-stitched interpretation of "Marsupial Boy and his Steed: The Marsupial Formerly Known as Marsupial Boy." Anyway, long way of saying that if I do anything illegal and the pigs come a' oinking, I'll have to be asking Marsupial Boy how big his marsupial pocket is, as I got a couple of things I don't want to be found.

I've done my research and I know that it is illegal to kidnap a child. But if I go down to the family I check in on and put their kid up for adoption, I won't be able to be charged with any crime right? Their parents would be happier, their livestock would cease their blasphemy, and the little rascal would be free to worship whatever vegetable pile they wanted to, in a community that is not devoted to the worship of Godot.

Anyway please let me know, and if you could, please post your reply in the next issue of The Times, as the Postal Service refuses to deliver mail to me anymore.

Sincerely, Vladimir.

For more articles by Vladimir, click here. To get in touch with this writer, email vladimir@surrealtimes.net.

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