New Bedford, Mass. — Dear editors of the Surreal Times,
The birds were louder this morning. Raucous and oblivious, they chirped their teensy bird-brains out. I stood on my fire escape and screamed until my lungs were raw. But, my screams were drowned out by the birds’ foul cry. It scared me, until I realized it was spring.
I am writing to you, chirping back, per se, because the mainstream news organizations have been powerless in addressing and deaf to understanding my most urgent request. I have written to the New York Times, Reuters and Time Magazine. Not a whisper. Not even a peep. I figured it was time to take measures a step further. And that is why I, a concerned and faithful citizen of this surreal world, am penning this letter.
It has come to my attention, by word of these squawking beasts, that springtime is upon us. It’s my contention that this simply will not do. If we let spring ramble on into our lives, what’s next? Summer? And then fall? And then what? Another winter? It’s a slippery slope. I declare that it should be an editorial stance of the fifth and highest estate — the surreal estate — to firmly position itself in opposition to the haphazard and eternal tumbling of one season into the next.
I understand your institution has recently opened a bureau in Los Angeles; city of green skies and fields of blue. And I understand this issue does not plague your west coast readership to the extent it might your lowly readers of the bleak northeast. But I believe I am speaking on behalf of all readers in this small corner of the world when I say that we are just beginning to understand the bleakness, to enjoy the misery.
I will continue to battle the discordant screeching of the birds. It is a battle I will wage each morning until my lungs give out. But I fear they are only a symptom. Our real battle is against time. Its perpetual flow is an affront to the very institution of the surreal. And for such an indifferent beast, I will need your help.
Sincerely, Doctor Goldstein
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