Psychoactive Noise Moths Do Not Affect Humans

Whaler S. Fishpole,
Freelance Journalist

I took it upon myself to investigate what everyone’s been wanting to know but what everyone has been afraid to figure out: the Noise Moth Effect. We all heard about how Chimp Joe got high as a kite-eating those bugs, which seem to be psychoactive, euphoric, or something else. He went on a bender eating them and wound up in detox.

With the quarantine of Butterfield Hall occupying all of our minds, I’ve been wondering what exactly the authorities are protecting us from. Or, rather, what they are hiding from us.

I want to know what incredible high incredible enough to reduce the stoic Chimp we all know and love to junkie status.

So I snuck into Butterfield. I paid off the groundskeepers. I wore my snowboarding gear and snowboarding mask for protection. I allowed my cellphone to buzz inside of my open backpack, and once a few moths were drawn inside, I closed my bag upon them, trapping them inside.

I snuck back home to my apartment quietly. It was a Friday night. I waited anxiously as my roommates pregamed on home-brew cider until they finally left for some concert or another. When they were gone, I dead-bolted the door.

To squash the moths, I dropped a book on my backpack. I then pulled out one of the dead noise moths and ate it whole. I sat back in my recliner chair waiting for something to happen — euphoria, hallucinations, tranquility?

When nothing happened for 30 minutes, I ate the other two moths from my bag. They tasted bad, let me tell you, worse than mushrooms or even intonation worms. I washed them down with some of my roommates’ cider.

But I am writing now (eight hours later), completely sober, to tell you that I experienced no changes in state of mind due to noise moth consumption. It seems like they affect monkeys but not humans, as much as I wish otherwise.

For more articles by Whaler S. Fishpole, click here. To get in touch with this writer, email fishpole@surrealtimes.net.

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