Chimp Joe Found in Midst of Noise Moth Binge

Tom Johnson,
Sergeant, UMass PD

Chimpanzee Joe, the well-known news chimp employed by The Surreal Times, has been missing for weeks. His readers and friends have been worried that he could have been captured by teenagers wanting to keep him as a pet. Or worse, he could have been hit by a car somewhere, left on the side of the road dead and unreported because of the fact that he is non-human.

I’ve got good news. I also have bad news.

The good news is that we found Chimpanzee Joe. He is going to be alright.

The bad news is that exterminators wearing sound-proof suits found him in the basement of Butterfield Hall, stuffing his face with noise moths and slurring his words. When the exterminators tried pulling him from the building, he yelled at them, “you arrogant human bastards, unable to fathom the refined taste of a species more sophisticated than yourselves.” Joe tried fighting off the exterminators, but didn’t fair well because of his being inebriated. So he resorted to snapping his fingers in his pockets and clamping them shut to trap moths attracted to the sound. When these people restrained Chimp Joe’s arms, he would burp on purpose so as to attract swarms of noise moths into his mouth. He would chew frantically. Then all of the sudden his eyes would roll back and he would begin trying to communicate with moths using a home-brewed tongue clicking language.

Chimp Joe eventually went unconscious after an apparent overdose on noise moths. The exterminators managed to deliver him to us before continuing their quarantine attempts..

We are now holding Chimpanzee Joe in our overnight cells to give him time to sober up. Unfortunately, some sort of detoxification process is taking place. He is suffering from serious withdrawal symptoms of backwards speech, flapping arms, and extreme sensitivity to light. He also keeps closing his eyes and burping with his mouth wide open, fantasizing that it will attract moths. There are no noise moths in our cells, so he always comes up empty, and he picks his fingernails to distract from the craving.

We hope to release him soon but are unsure when he will be ready. We are also unsure whether we will be able to trust him to resist his craving to return to Butterfield Hall. If he were to return to Butterfield, he would risk not only himself, but all of us, but possibly allowing the vicious biting noise moths to escape.

For more articles by Tom Johnson, click here. To get in touch with this writer, email tjohnson@surrealtimes.net.

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