Serial Chakra Unaligner Walks Streets

Maximo Piccolo,
Times Correspondent

Boston, MA - Have you felt anxious? Lethargic? Sexually frustrated? Then it’s entirely possible you’ve been a victim of the Unaligner! He prowls the street, striking undetectably, at will, without fear of reprisal, zapping people’s chakras out of alignment with a strange, tube-like device of which we only have a single blurry still photograph.

The Unaligner is a tricky one to catch. It is suspected that he stole the U.B.D, or Unaligning Beam Device, from a LoveJoy corporation research and development lab in Allston. With a zap of the device, all seven chakras begin to open and close erratically, infusing the victim with negative energy. Re-aligning the chakras is a tricky task, and it appears to take months before they readjust.

“He got me in the Stop and Shop near Boston landing,” said one victim, “I went home and screamed at my husband before throwing up in the bathroom.”

“Yeah, I think he got me as I was coming out of the Roast Beast on Comm Ave,” said another., “As I crossed the street, a car nearly hit me, and I was so furious I cursed him out and hucked my sandwich at his windshield.”

Back to the blurry still. It was captured by a security camera at the 7/11 near the Aquarium. It shows a short, overweight man with a crew cut, appearing to be in his mid 40’s, pulling out a metal tube from a satchel bag. He points it at the back of an exiting customer, who stumbles. Is this the Unaligner? Time will tell.

This reporter hopes you are able to keep your chakras in order.

For more articles by Maximo Piccolo, click here. To get in touch with this writer, email piccolo.maximo@surrealtimes.net.

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