Special Report: The Mechanical Fellow
Artist's depiction of the Mechanical Fellow by Marina Parella
The Mechanical Fellow has surfaced. Without warning, a six foot tall robot dressed in a shabby soccer jersey and jeans teleported into the field behind Orchard Hill. Wires hang from his neck and the seams where his shirt and jeans end. The Fellow has what appears to be a computer monitor for a head. Fearing the modern world, the Mechanical Fellow refuses to leave wooded areas, trapping him (willfully) inside the woods behind UMass.
The Mechanical Fellow is quite verbal. Those visiting him pose questions, and he gives answers in his clear but slightly muffled voice.
“Yes the future was quite nice/ However there was no ice/ It all went very kablooie/ No one gave a rat’s patootie”
“Yes I have a monitor for my head/ Would you rather I be dead?”
“The future I came from turned rotten/ Must stop it now while it is still to be gotten.”
Despite his bleak message, the Mechanical Fellow (his own name for himself) is quite jovial. In between rhymes he smiles and laughs, shakes hands with his organic visitors and even poses for pictures. His ease interacting with humans stands in contrast with his stark refusal to leave the woods behind UMass.
“There is nothing for me there/ Only those who rip and tear.”
The Fellow was first discovered by a pair of stoners walking through the woods. They said they found the Fellow looking under rocks for bugs and peering at plant life. Once they confirmed they were not hallucinating, they greeted the Fellow. He introduced himself, in rhyme, and asked where and exactly when he was. The stoners led him to the woods behind Orchard Hill. The Fellow, perhaps naively, followed. Upon seeing the buildings, the Fellow refused to go any further. One of the pair, who wishes to remain anonymous, spoke of the Fellows first interaction:
“We took him out of the woods and he got a look at Orchard Hill. He focused on the cars and people I think. His arms started to shake a bit. He started turning his head-thing pretty quickly. Honestly it seemed like he was having a bit of a robot panic attack or anxiety attack or something like that. So I guess to stop this he like, just turned around so he couldn't see it. He asked us to take him far enough into the woods that he wouldn’t be able to see any of these buildings or cars. So we did, and he says something like “Get everyone you can to come visit me.” It was rhyming of course. So we started texting our friends, but we didn’t know what to tell them. He says “Call me the Mechanical Fellow.” So that’s how that name started. Once word spread of the “Fellow,” he started getting lots of attention. We figure the news will start filming him soon.”
And indeed the news did. Channel 137 news, Amherst division arrived with two crews about four hours after the Mechanical Fellow was first seen. At the sight of the first bulky professional camera, the Fellow gave out a high pitched metal shriek and sprinted into the forest. Witnesses say he moved fast, faster than a human could run. Those who had been with the Fellow for a while moved to console him. He had retreated about two hundred feet into the bush. They asked him why he ran.
“The life of cameras and mics is not very mellow/ And thus it is not one for the Fellow.”
After being pressed, he also said:
“Technology is man’s ultimate creation/ But will be man’s final cremation.”
At this the crowd was curious. A contradiction had arisen. The Mechanical Fellow was technology all the way down. Exposed circuit boards, metal fingers, loose wires. You couldn’t get any more artificial than the Mechanical Fellow. But even technology as simple as buildings seemed to terrify him.
“I reject this world of man/ For that is not what I am.
Built of boards of wire/ But long after humans retired.
I come from an age of fire and steel/ With no humans at the wheel.”
Many grew frustrated with the Fellow’s evasive, rhyming answers. Most onlookers felt like the Mechanical Fellow was leading them on. Among the crowd rumours sprung up that the Fellow was a marketing ploy. At the same time, a reporter appeared, with a sketchpad. The sketch is copied above.
The Mechanical Fellow is presently in the woods behind Southwest, while scattered and occasionally hysterical, he is for the most part in good spirits. The Times will document this history as it unfolds.
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See Also
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The Mechanical Fellow is a Mechanical Menace
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The Mechanical Chum: Thoughts On Our New Metal Friend
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The Mechanical Fellow Is A Mormon Communist Spook
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