The Feathered Travesty: One Naturalist's Thoughts On An Unnatural Matter

Peter “Mini-P” Petrinksi,
Surreal Times Naturalist

Here we are. The roosters have been put down and the controversy has quelled. Yet I can’t help but imagine the reverberations of our failure being heard for decades. Where to start? I, Mini-P Petrinksi, will here outline the entire affair, start to finish, for all those interested. And you should be be interested.

Things began on July 1st with the cockfighting bust in Northampton. Ravenwold Greenhouses is where it all began, and the place where the evil can be traced back to.

But these were no ordinary roosters.

Not normal at all.

These roosters were so incredibly vicious that they posed a threat to the balance of the universe.

We then heard from Chris Bascomb, Ice Age Prevention Expert. Disappointed with the town of Amherst, he called on the police, veterinarians and the town council to do better.

Mr. Oswald Avery, a genetic researcher, then gave us some troubling test results regarding the unfamiliar biology of the roosters.

Meanwhile, the roosters were distributed across nearby veterinary clinics for treatment and containment. But as they say, “you can’t keep a good rooster down.” It wasn’t long before the clucking brutes escaped - or were let out - from their temporary cases. They beelined for downtown and terrorized the Amherst citizenry.

The terror was met with an equally sad response. As a naturalist, it saddens me to see any organism pass away --, human, rooster or otherwise. But I cannot help but agree with Sergeant Tom Johnson in that putting down the roosters was an inevitable conclusion to the ordeal.

Before the execution of the roosters, The Times published a rebuttal to Mr. Johnson. I found the arguments overly romantic. I would challenge the writer of the rebuttal to sit in a room with one of these roosters loose before writing his piece.

When the deed was done, Johnson wrote that the roosters clucked no more.

It was only after the grisly business was done that we learned the truth that was sitting in front of us the whole time: these really were no ordinary roosters.

We have failed.

This is a dark day for us all.

For more articles by Peter “Mini-P” Petrinksi, click here. To get in touch with this writer, email petrinksi.peter@surrealtimes.net.

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