The Times, Hiring an Assistant Weatherman

The Editors,
Times Staff

In these times of superstorms, megaquakes, and ice on the moon, upper management at The Surreal Times has deemed it necessary to bring on board an apprentice weatherperson to assist WeatherJ in his work. If you possess or know someone who possesses the skills and technology necessary to predict the motions of our atmosphere, and the ability to communicate predictions in accordance with our mission as a news organization, then please contact us at

The qualifications we are looking for are as follows:

  • Experience with at the very least:
    • one (1) rainy day during which you identified foreign space vessels behind the clouds using your x-ray goggles
    • two (2) happy sunny days during which you correctly (and without insider information) suspected and obtained evidence for the occurrence of a surprise atmospheric holiday
    • and one (1) contrarian snow storm capable of burying cars, that dispersed the very moment your computers recognize its accumulation
  • Possession of: one (1) electronic kaleidoscope, one (1) weathermobile with minimum Minkowski dimension 4, one (1) x-ray device,three (3) reusable balloons, one (1) dice todem, one (1) compass, one (1) bucket,
  • Either a can-do or cannot-do attitude. A muddy mix will not do.

Regretfully, we were understaffed in our meteorology department during the time leading up to the great eclipse of 2017. Had we been prepared, we might have given the people the necessary advance warning to fulfill Reverend Hobbes' cause (link).

But we were not prepared. As a result, our world was forgotten. (link. We hope that, going forward, we will foresee all potential miraculous or catastrophic events, and thereby enable the citizens of the world to adjust their lives accordingly. Likewise, we are interested in notifying people of the smells of the weather on any particular ordinary day -- pleasant breezes, and uncomfortable raindrops, for example.

Do you want to guide people around detriments and towards miracles? If so, please get in touch.

Contact to speak with your potential manager. It is important that the two of you harmonize. Contact to begin the hiring process, once you are ready.

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